When I was 20, I was bitten by the classical Indian music and dance bug. Before I knew it, I found myself with a one-way ticket out to Northern California to study with one of the last living masters* of Kathak. Kathak is a dance discipline made up of mathematically precise footwork, swift pirouettes and storytelling. Our teacher was always known for his speed and agility, training us with the utmost rigor and repetition. When people would visit the class, he would pride himself on how hard he’d work us, often pushing us, for example, to execute 108 swift pirouettes in a row without pause. At one point, I remember I spun so out of control I knocked over the halogen lamp in the Fulton and 3rd Ashram in San Francisco where we used to train. Speed and fierceness were high values, and to just keep going, no matter what, was often the lesson. There were times we’d be on a roll, and nothing could stand in our way, egos flying high, adrenaline pumping from the percussive beats and all-around good workout. And then, he’d do the one thing that would completely fuck our shit up: He’d slow everything down. All of a sudden, everything we had trained our bodies to do in relation to executing a composition at a certain speed went out the door. If I had to give you a surfing metaphor for what this was like, it was akin to surfing a thin, hollow wave over a pure reef break on a shortboard, feeling the split second stability of the board that a powerful wave might offer on takeoff, and then suddenly finding yourself on a completely different wave - one that is slow, flat, lazy, and weak, but having to surf with the same board - without being allowed to paddle. All of a sudden, with everything weaker and slower, the board feels wobbly in the weak surf. But now you need some type of precision and skill to make it work in those conditions. Deep inside, I knew this was my teacher’s way of truly testing how well we knew the compositions and how solid of a grasp we had of taal (rhythm), one of the defining virtues on which the whole classical North Indian music structure is based. If the tempo were slowed down, we really HAD to understand the composition, in a totally different way. We had to know precisely where each beat of the composition would land in the cycle of rhythm AND make conscious adjustments to the composition and relate it differently to the underlying rhythmic cycle. We suddenly needed to shift from unconscious competence into a space of being conscious of what we were doing. This required us to be ever more precise given the space of in-between we were now given. Aside from the “be prepared for what life may throw at you” lesson, there was another lesson in this, too. First, a little neuroscience. Let’s start with brain waves. We have 5 known speeds of brain waves—beta, alpha, theta, delta and gamma. Whether we are mentally active, resting or asleep, our brain always has some level of electrical activity. Beta, for example, is where we function most of the day when we are “doing” something, like when we are in our task-positive network. Delta is our slowest wavelength, generated in dreamless sleep and in the deepest of meditation. As my coaching colleague pointed out, the slower our brain waves, the more time we have between thoughts (just as we have more time between beats in a composition when the tempo slows.) The more mindful we can be about our thoughts and actions, the more conscious we become of them. But wait! There’s more! --The slower the brain waves, the more the right and left hemispheres of the brain communicate! So when the tempo of life slows, it forces more awareness and consciousness AND, quite possibly, a more optimal environment for brain integration. I know - Holy Mother of Kali! In thinking about this lesson from classical Indian dance, I couldn’t help but wonder what we miss as leaders when we don’t slow down. By slowing down, we are literally allowing more space between thoughts and creating a more optimal internal environment for conscious, thoughtful decision making. In fact, if you think about it, slowness has virtues not just in the leadership realm. I recently decided to slow down my eating and to chew as much as possible, to consciously be aware of the food I was eating to nurture my body. As a result, my entire experience of eating changed. For one, I become fuller with less food AND I actually enjoy the food more, reveling in every bite and taste. I am also WAY more present to the eating experience. I do not mean to say that speed doesn’t have its virtues, or that quick decisions are always bad, nor do I mean to imply to ignore our intuitive hits. However, to slow down a process while still maintaining balance and grace is something of an art. It requires awareness, consciousness and precision. In the case of dance, it was the necessary training ground that would serve to distinguish the technique and ability of a dance practitioner from the nuances and subtleties of a well developed artist. Imagine what we’re missing when we’re always doing everything fast—from dating, to eating, to running a business, to surfing only fast waves, or dancing only fast compositions. We’re short-changing the many capabilities, perspectives and details the structure of our consciousness offers, limiting how we see, feel and experience the world around us. We’re missing out on this rich space of "in between", and on the insights that come from having to break something down we know so well, and to be in it from a totally difference reference point. It’s no coincidence there is a surge of interest in Eastern traditions that have practices that slow us down. From yoga to meditation to, yes, classical Indian dance and music. These are not just new-agey, hippie-dippie things. We’re in a moment in our culture when we are actively seeking slow. In doing so, we are not just building optimal environments for better, more integrated brains, but, in my opinion, honing real leadership tools. So to leaders out there, I challenge you to slow things down, but to first start with slowing down your own thoughts. You may, in the end, make better decisions and contribute to a more conscious and mindful world. Where do you need to slow it down a notch? What takes you to slow? * The late Pandit Chitresh Das, master Kathak artist, teacher, and performer not only left behind a legacy of timeless teachings in his craft, but patterned the minds of those he touched deeply, cultivating new generations of artists, activists, thinkers, and leaders who continue to be inspired by his lessons and work.
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The Neuroscience of Stress Everyone needs a “just right” amount of arousal chemicals for optimal functioning of the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the area of the brain responsible for our executive functioning, including thoughtful decision-making and planning for the future, among other things. Picture a bell curve. To the right of the curve is increased stress / stimulation, and to the left of the curve is decreased stress / stimulation. Our cortex is regulated by two main chemicals (dopamine and norepinephrine) and becomes stimulated (or not) based on the task at hand. When we are alert and interested, we get the right amount of chemical release. But when we are stressed and out of control, we get BIG releases of these chemicals. All the connections in this part of the brain become dysfunctional, engaging other kinds of receptors that actually impair prefrontal cortex function. The impact of being over-stimulated or under-stimulated results in the SAME cognitive impairment of the brain: foggy thinking, poor memory, lack of empathy, inability to regulate impulses. As well, chronic stress results in actual architectural changes in the cortex. You actually start losing dendrites, a branched part of a neuron involved in cell to cell electrochemical stimulation. Stress is VERY real, and actually has the ability to alter the structural make up of your brain. Cray, eh? So what does this have to do with YOU? Behavior from the top trickles down to your team, so if you are a stressed leader and not taking care of yourself, how can you possibly model good behavior to your colleagues and employees? Moreover, as a leader, you need to be able to access your brain when it is at its best (in balance). When you are overstressed or under-stimulated, you don’t get optimal executive functioning. Below, I share some strategies for managing stress and getting your PFC closer to balance or “online” as we coaches like to say. Name Your Emotions According to BeAbove Leadership, an organization specializing in the intersectionality of neuroscience, consciousness and leadership, “research shows that simply naming an emotion reduces amygdala activity.” This is one of the reasons I listen to my clients and try to help them name the emotions that they are feeling. Often, a client will show up at a session experiencing a whole host of different feelings. After listening very carefully to them, I often reflect what it is I hear them saying, and then attempt to name an emotion. I will say, “it sounds like ‘guilt’ or it sounds like ‘grief,’” and in doing that, it helps them make sense of their own emotions. If I’m not right on with the emotion, it’s the opportunity for them to say, for example, “no, actually it’s not guilt; it’s more ambivalence.” Journaling how you are feeling each day can also markedly help with stress management; simply waking up in the morning and taking 10 minutes to write down how you are feeling that day can help you process stressful feelings when you don’t have an empathetic listener. Reframe Your Perspective Shifting and reframing your perspective is one way to effectively reduce stress. I once left a coaching session feeling a bit stunned. My “inner child” wanted to flee. A client who was feeling a lot of anger in his life had taken it out on me by yelling at me and insulting the coaching profession. I left feeling as if I had failed, and the experience had me questioning my coaching abilities. The “stun” was my fight or flight. In that moment, my prefrontal cortex got (PFC) stressed, and I had very little access to it, as it was flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine. After some introspection and self-coaching, I was able to reframe this session as a gift instead of an utter disaster. Though it felt stressful for me, my client had triggered something that reminded me of how some people would lash out at me for things when I was growing up, thereby stimulating a very emotional response and memory to the stressor. And this made me feel worthless. So in bringing up this feeling again was an opportunity to heal it, to use my PFC to think more about it and to calm my stress response and self-manage through difficult to be with emotions. Moreover, I realized that my client felt safe enough to express his anger with me. Following that we had a breakthrough session and he showed up ready and willing to be coached. Taking the time to think and reframe a stressful event can help build a new neural pathway to thinking about a situation, and bring the PFC back online to help you make sense of your own emotions. Practice Focus and Attention The data from studies relating to focus and attention just gets more and more fascinating, particularly around meditation. It’s not just “new-agey stuff.” Studies show that meditation changes the composition of the brain. Long-term meditators have increased amounts of grey matter in parts of the brain associated with sensory functions, and they also have more grey matter in the PFC. Some studies indicate that meditation also reduces the size of the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight or flight “freeze” response of the brain and strengthens the brain region responsible for processing information related to people perceived as being different front you (our seat of empathy). What’s this got to do with stress? Well, the data suggests that meditation builds more “good” types of connections in the brain, to help it become more resilient to stress. So with more focus and attention, you can build your resilience and have stronger connections between the logical and empathetic areas of your higher executive functioning brain and your limbic system, making you more resilient to stress. Make a Powerful Choice When you are out of balance on the curve, sometimes it requires you to make some lifestyle choices, and sometimes it requires you to make powerful choices. The difference between just making a choice and a POWERFUL choice is that there is often more at stake with the powerful choice. A powerful choice might feel more difficult to make because the consequences of the choice are so life-changing that it is too scary to think about removing the source of the stress. Powerful choices often require courage, as in the event of choosing to quit a job, get out of a toxic relationship, or simply to just stop doing something. Lastly, our PFC and the relevant chemical release is proportional to the task at hand. While some might feel a little stimulation from something and it feels like a good amount of stimulation, for others it can provoke a much stronger chemical response and overload the PFC with chemicals. What tips and strategies have you picked up along the way to manage your stress? When you are feeling like you want to “fight or flee,” how have you gotten your PFC back online to where things feel just right? Like What You Read? Sign up for my monthly e-news!
I had a friend over for dinner the other week. I just finished giving her updates on my life, how my recent trip back East went, what was hard, what was new. After I finished, I was met with a “that’s good” type of response. Not much more. It was like talking into a well, with no feedback, affirmation, insights, commiserating … nothing. Then, she launched into her updates, and I spent the remainder of the evening listening, supporting, ad-hoc coaching, and offering feedback to her on her relationships and challenges.
Reflecting on the evening, I felt a little sad and, truth be told, a little used. Why is it so hard for someone to listen thoughtfully and to let me know I’ve been heard? I listened to her; why can’t she show me that she’s actively listening to me? All of this got me thinking about what makes someone a good listener. Let’s start with recognizing what it is to not listen well. You are quick to interrupt. You are quick to hear someone and you generally interrupt them to offer a thought or response before they can finish what it is they are saying. This shows you are not holding space to sufficiently take in what you hear. Rather, you are already trying to craft an answer, rebuttal, opinion, or respond before fully listening. Note: if you are a coach, you may be taught to intrude for the purpose of keeping your client on track, but for the rest of you, you probably aren’t listening well if you continually interrupt. You overshare. You take up 80% of the space in your conversations. You are concerned with expressing yourself and making sure you get heard but leave little room for others. You tend to multitask while someone is talking. Unless you are knitting, walking, or doing something that takes unconscious competence to do, chances are you are not fully listening to the other person when you are doing something else at the same time. It is impossible to be a good listener if you are typing an e-mail or reading the news on your phone. The brain does not multitask; it can only do one thing at a time. Although you may think you are successfully doing many things at once, in actuality your brain is switching back and forth from task to task and your attention is being divided. You self-reference. You automatically apply what someone is saying to your own situation. In other words, you don’t take the time to show you are understanding what they are saying and feeling. Instead, you bring the conversation back to you and how you would feel if you were in their position. This is different from empathizing with someone, as you are not genuinely trying to understand the other person’s feelings as much as you are projecting your thoughts and feelings onto their situation. See any of these behaviors in yourself? If so, you may have a great opportunity to grow your leadership skills by becoming a better listener. In coaching, one of the first things we do is learn the 3 levels of listening. Level 1 listening is all about self-referencing per the example above. For example, if your friend says something, you immediately think of yourself and say, “Oh yeah, I remember when that happened to me." In other words, it’s all about referencing what someone is saying in relation to you and your experience. It’s not a bad level, per se. It is the level we probably most often encounter in our relationships. But it is not the most powerful level of listening. Level 2 is when you can actually start to listen to someone and stop referring back to yourself. You really hear what it is they are trying to say. You are focused on them and not on yourself. And level 3 is about listening to all the things that are NOT being said, but that are present in a conversation - the energy of the person, their intonation, what you are hearing between the words, what your intuition tells you. This is where you as a leader really have the power to achieve deeper understanding and, ultimately, effect better outcomes through listening. Here are some tips for achieving level 3 listening: 1. So what I’m hearing you say is … This is a great phrase that sets you up for an attempt to understand and reiterate what it is you heard the other person say. If you are listening well, you should be able to sum up what it is you think the person is trying to say. You can also use other versions of this phrase, such as: It seems like … I hear you. It sounds like … Using any of these phrases will not only help you synthesize what you just heard, but will indicate to the other person that you are truly trying to understand what they are saying.. 2. That’s curious. How did that make you feel? … Being curious about what the other person says will help you listen better. Asking them how something made them feel can help them reflect more on what it is they are saying and also give you another angle to understand what it is they are trying to say. 3. Simply ask those around you whether they think you are an effective listener. If it’s a “no,” or you get a wishy-washy response because they are afraid to tell you the truth, ask, “How could I improve?” You’ll be surprised at what they say. Maybe they will tell you not to interrupt so much when you didn’t realize you were doing that. Maybe they need a nod or more eye contact from you. Maybe they just need an acknowledgement of some sort. If you don’t ask, you won’t know! Challenge yourself in your next conversation: go in with the intention of listening and making the other person feel heard. Challenge yourself to not respond, offer advice, or self-relate until the person is finished speaking. See how long you can go just listening! As you practice better listening, you’ll likely gain new insights about yourself and about the person you are listening to. Getting curious while listening can prompt you to ask the right questions for solving problems and demonstrates that you are truly present in the interaction. Most of all, growing your listening is growing your leadership. Try these listening tips and leave a comment below about the differences you notice in your conversations! Like what you read? Sign up for my monthly e-news!
The other month I delivered a talk to a group of 50 some people at a large technology company. The executive that preceded me had gone over her allotted time in the presentation. Unfortunately, the moderator did not make up for lost time in the Q&A session. As a result, I found myself having to cram an hour-and-20-minute presentation I had so carefully planned into 50 minutes. Yikes!
Moreover, after the executive presented, half of the audience got up to get food, and some people left. I went from feeling excited and prepared to feeling rushed, uneasy and nervous, wondering how I was going to fit everything in. I actually started to feel like nobody wanted to listen to me. For a moment, I could feel myself losing my composure. I knew my saboteur, that inner voice of criticism and negativity, was about to get the best of me. Fortunately, I was able to self-manage and get through the presentation just fine. Here are some things that helped me get through this unexpected situation with grace and ease. 1. Put Things into Perspective Rather than get annoyed at the way things were flowing, I had to pause and put things into perspective. I reminded myself that there have been far greater offenses in similar situations, and to much more distinguished people in a much more complicated performance environment! I had a flashback to world-class Indian artist, Pandit Chitresh Das* who I had the benefit of studying under for over a decade. He once lost his entire microphone system during a major dance performance in India. I watched as he was in the middle of a solo and his mic just shut off. Despite him being in the middle of a composition and getting thrown totally off, he kept going (though he looked quite annoyed - who wouldn't be?), finishing his compositions until the sound could be restored. Taking that lesson to heart, that’s what I did. I told myself this wasn’t the end of the world. It didn’t have to be perfect and, I should be nimble enough to go with the flow and improvise. I also thought about surfing and the way the ocean has taught me this lesson thousands of times in it's ever changing, unpredictable way, often reminding me what a speck I am in the grand scheme of the world. I started calculating in my head what I was going to cut. I also got clear with what was most important in the moment: how I showed up, as my attitude and mental state would either make the talk or break it. Putting things into perspective helped greatly in managing this snafu. 2. Prepare, Prepare, Prepare! I continued my talk just fine. I almost got through all of my slides when I clicked on the next one, only to realize none of my animated bullets made it into the master deck compiled by the company, which guided all my talking points! Surprised and embarrassed, I quickly grabbed my paper notes from the side and revealed verbally each point, one by one. Even with 15 years of public speaking experience under my belt, I can’t stress the importance of being as prepared as possible for whatever presentation or project you may be doing. You just never know what will happen, and you want to feel comfortable enough with the content that you can improvise on it if you have to. For a 20-minute talk, I often put in hours of prep time, as I’m not a natural, on-the-fly orator. I know my slides and points like the back of my hand. I made sure I had backup notes, just in case the slides clonked out. Instead of expending energy scrambling as a result of not seeing my bullet points on the slide, I put my energy towards grabbing my notes and presenting from there. Though it wasn’t completely polished, it was fine. And, I was able to get my points across with no problem, while still feeling confident in my delivery. This would have been hard to do if I were less prepared. 3. Get as Much Experience Under Your Belt as Possible The more experience you have, the better you’ll be able to manage through unexpected bumps in the road. For speaking, experience can range from presenting something to your roommate or friend or spouse, to presenting at a full-blown conference. It doesn’t always have to be in the context in which you are doing your work. For example, I taught dance for years. Being in front of students and presenting to them absolutely contributed to the development of my public speaking skills. So, get as much experience as possible. The more experience you get, and the more the experience can mirror the conditions under which you have to perform, the more comfortable you’ll feel, and the better you will be able to manage on the fly. When I was in high school, I was presenting an original oration at a forensics conference in Boston. It was my first time speaking and competing in that particular division. I felt so unsure and doubted my speech so much that I lost my confidence in the middle, and wasn’t able to finish it. I just sat down, feeling a bit ashamed, embarrassed and defeated. I was usually very comfortable speaking, but this was a new topic area for me, and I was out of my comfort zone. After everyone had completed their orations, the judge came back to me. He was kind, and gave me the opportunity to go back up on the stage and present, but I still did not do it. When I talk about gaining experience, I mean facing situations that you may not be able to get through at that time, but that will stretch you, and yes, even scare you a bit. Contrast this story to many years later in my professional career when I’d find myself presenting in front of an audience of hundreds of women halfway across the world at a major women’s business conference (and getting paid thousands of dollars to do it). Things went fine, but I would have never gotten there without both the positive and not so positive experiences under my belt. Gaining that confidence takes time, and there can be some humbling experiences along the way. But just keep doing and learn to appreciate the experiences, even if you don't come out on top for all of them. Most athletes and artists get this at a visceral level (why they have a thing called rehearsals and practice), but what about taking that mindset to our professional work? 4. Know Your Purpose During the unexpected bumps in my recent talk, it occurred to me that I could stay rigid to the way things were SUPPOSED to go and, as a result, fall apart or complain when they didn’t go as planned (this is a very left-brained way of seeing the world). Or, I could swing over to the other side and allow for a little possibility, a characteristic associated with right-brained processing. On my way down to the talk, I was in a funky mood. I decided to close my eyes and did a meditation on the plane. I focused on my breathing and imagined a heart with a chocolate ice cream cone in it (hey, I was taught as a kid to meditate on ice cream cones throughout my martial arts training. It stuck so it’s fair game in my book. The point is to keep your mind focused on one thing). This was followed by a vision of what I call ninja love – spreading love through the sending of hearts all around me, in the shape of heart discuses. I know it sounds strange, but this is just what came to me. It was through this meditation that I connected with my purpose for the day. The content was important, but more than anything, I realized I was there to inspire, and - I know this will sound woo woo - to spread love. I realized that delivering a perfect presentation was far from the point. The point was all about how I showed up in relation to the people I would meet and what intention I had for them in the moments I was able to connect with them. The more relaxed, centered, connected and focused I showed up, the greater impact I’d be able to make with my words. No matter what the chaos, I truly believe that the attitude and energy we cultivate in our space makes all the difference. This is not to say that it should have been all on me to make my talk successful. In the end, I was able to debrief with their team and share with them ideas for how to better manage these events, as well as make a checklist of what I needed to prepare going forward, should I encounter a similar scenario. Even better, the team members who organized the talk evaluated themselves, and they picked up on most of the hiccups so that next time, things could run smoother. Remember: there are no mistakes in life - just experiments with results as touted author, Gregg Levoy, says! In the end, the participants were elated. They were engaged, and we got very positive feedback on the event. And that’s what mattered most. Performance is a complicated tapestry of inner mental work, readiness and practice. (Note: That’s a tweetable. Tweet away!) Improvisation always needs a solid base. When things don’t go as expected, we need that base and mental readiness to move forward, whether we are an athlete, motivational speaker, or performer. What strategies and techniques do you use to manage your performance when unexpected glitches happen? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the Comments section below!
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I’m all about toolkits when it comes to leadership. You never know what you will face day in and day out, and it helps to have skills and exercises (and tools!) for navigating dynamic working environments.
Same thing is true for transitions. One of the earliest skills I was taught as an executive leader was the importance of having curiosity in your toolkit. In fact, cultivating curiosity is one of the behaviors that has helped me immensely in my career. So what’s the big deal about curiosity? What about the argument of following your intuition? Here are my thoughts on the matter. I remember going to an executive leadership training many years ago. One of the trainers stood in front of the room and told us all a story. I don’t remember the story very well, but the content is irrelevant to the point. The trainer only gave us part of the story and then asked us what happened next based on what we heard. We were given a few minutes to conjecture the next part of the story. We went around the room, each person telling a wildly different scenario of what they thought happened, from the main protagonist dying, to winning the Olympics. We were essentially left with our own thoughts as guides to make up the remainder of the story. What became apparent was this: People like to make things up. Period. Our tendency to make up stories about people, situations, scenarios and projecting our own versions of what happened was something that came easily to us. We were then read what really happened in the story. Of course it did not match any of our versions. As people and leaders, we make up our own version of reality with limited data all the time. I’m guilty of it too, in business and in life. Just the other day, I was supposed to take two people up north for a surf outing. The contact person was really responsive initially, and we had set a date. Two days prior, I sent him a confirmation and link to pay, and did not hear a word. Two days passed and it was now the night before our lesson, and still no word. I had already rented gear for the outing and did not know whether to show up or assume they just flaked. I thought perhaps they changed their minds, or maybe I wrote something that offended them in my e-mail. I had so many scenarios going through my head! When I woke up in the morning, I got a message from them saying their car had broken down and that had set them back on schedule tremendously. They apologized for the lack of response and said they would be there for the appointment. I racked my brain about what happened and started to assume my own version. Yet, in the end, it was just about car trouble. Staying curious would have allowed me to not stress so much, nor beat myself up. I can’t count the number of times something has happened in a relationship or with a person at work when I’d make up a reason for it in my head, only to find out - once I became curious and asked into a situation or a behavior - the reasons were so different from what I thought! By staying curious, you free yourself up from interpretations and stories and open yourself up to learning another’s perspective, or gaining insight into a situation. So what about the age-old advice of trusting your intuition? How do you reconcile staying curious while not getting sidetracked by your intuition? Here’s what I learned from one of my supervisors, Ann Betz, when I was being trained as a coach. Ann is world-renowned in the coaching field, and is responsible for translating the latest in neuroscience findings and applying the research and conclusions to coaching concepts and practices for The Coaches Training Institute. (I know - basically, the coolest job in the world!) What I learned from Ann is that there is an aspect of intuition having to do with how experiences are stored and patterned in our brain. Simultaneously, neuroscientists believe we have 3 recognized brains – the head brain, the heart brain and the gut brain. In fact, we have neurons in our gut and in our heart that take in information and send it to our central nervous system. That information is then sent up to the right hemisphere of our brain. But what ends up happening when we get these impulses is that the right side of our brain doesn’t necessarily know how to put the feelings into words. These intuitive “hits” as we call them, come to us as energy. Because they’re landing in a part of the brain that can’t necessarily translate the energy into words, it leaves us to use a different part of our brain to interpret it. And so comes our inclination for drawing conclusions based on previous experiences or patterns. What’s important to note here is that though the “hit” we get and impulse is real and true, it is also true that we may mistake our interpretation of it. This is why, as coaches, we are taught to plug into our intuition with clients, not to get attached to the interpretation of it, but rather to throw out what comes to us and explore it with the client and offer the client a chance to interpret it. Curiosity is crucial for us in this instance, as it releases us from judgment and assumptions. It helps our intuition become a tool of exploration to get to the truth about a situation. In short, you can use your curiosity when you are using your intuition; just don’t get attached to your interpretation of the intuition. So whether you get a gut feeling or are left with pieces of a puzzle you cannot make sense of, remain curious and open. If you are a leader, it can open up opportunities to get to clarity and can free you of unnecessary worry. If you are in transition, curiosity can open paths to new opportunities and experiences that you may not have expected. Here are some tips about how to manage your curiosity while also honoring your intuition: 1. When you feel triggered by something, give yourself time to decompress. Relax, and perhaps journal about your feelings. Talk to friends. Do not assume anything. When you are ready, approach the situation with genuine curiosity. 2. Segue into curiosity without judgment. A good way to start is, “I noticed x,y,z … I’m curious what happened.” Or, “I’m curious what you were thinking about when you said x,y,z.” How you see and experience a situation may be very different from how another person sees it. 3. If you’re in transition, make a list of all the things you’ve ever been curious about doing, and see if you can attach a value to each action. Perhaps you want to try horseback riding because it honors your value of feeling free. Perhaps you want to start a business because it honors your value of taking on a challenge. Once you’ve come up with a list and reasons why these things are meaningful to you, ask yourself what the first step would be in making those activities happen. Then, go do it! 4. Trust your instincts. When you get a hit on something, test out your intuition by saying. “I am feeling x,y,z,” or “I see x,y,z as I’m talking to you.” Follow it up with a question of “Does that land with you?” or “What do you see?” 5. Use your inner intuition and stay curious when opening yourself up to new paths. If you need to make a decision on something, try closing your eyes and imagine each decision as its own path. Go down one path that represents one decision. If you stayed curious, ask yourself what you see on that path as you move down it. How does it feel? Then try closing your eyes and going down another road that represents another decision, opening yourself up again to curiosity and what naturally may show up in your mind on that path. Journal about your experiences and be open to what you may discover!
The other night I was hanging out at my surf buddy Alex’s home. Alex is a mathematician who teaches computer science and researcher at U.C. Berkeley (she’s also a total ripper). I noticed a cartoon-like cut-out of her face placed on a shower background with a conference logo on it. When I asked what it meant, she explained that the running joke amongst mathematicians is that all the insight and best ideas come to them in the shower. It got me thinking for a second. So mathematicians generally get their “ah-has” in the shower. Where have I gotten mine all these years? It got me thinking a little more about innovation and insights and inspired me to share a few key lessons I’ve learned along the way.
1. Talk to unlikely partners One of the innovations I worked on in my career (among a few) was an entrepreneurship education program for immigrant women. I was trying to figure out how to use technology and creative media to create greater access of the program to more women. I started the project in 2001, developed the non-tech prototype over a period of years, got pilot funding in 2007 to develop the media, and then a second round of funding in 2009. It was a LONG, creative process. At one point, we even won the innovation award from the Association for Enterprise Opportunity, the national governing body for our industry. Hands down, talking with people that had absolutely NOTHING to do with immigrant women, entrepreneurship and non-profits often challenged and stretched my perspective throughout the innovative process and helped us look at problems differently. We are often so deep in our own innovation and building it, that it is easy to get lost in that perspective and easy for that perspective to narrow. When you talk with people who have absolutely none of the normal assumptions you would have while developing your innovation, product or idea, out-of-the box ideas start to generate. You also open up your idea to people who think and solve problems differently. I remember in one week talking with a marketing professional for Chiquita bananas and then a juice entrepreneur, a community college professor and two veteran engineers of HP. All had such interesting and different insights to share on our work and thought about how to approach or solve for things in different ways. This was one of the things I enjoyed most about the process - bringing together a hybrid of perspectives and coming to a new idea or insight based on these conversations. Others see what you sometimes can’t. The richest ideas always came from this type of cross-pollination of perspectives. 2. Shift perspectives In addition to getting outside perspectives, it is equally important to be shifting YOUR perspective and your team’s perspective all the time. This is an exercise that is done a lot in coaching. You can be sitting and twiddling your thumbs over something, but if you move to a different part of the room, and look out the window, you will see it differently. Back to Alex – my mathematician friend. That same night, her boyfriend hands me a piece of art that he had scribbled on a napkin. My first instinct was to twirl it around in different directions. Each angle I shifted it to, I saw something completely different on the napkin. At one angle I saw a rooster. At another angle, a face … and at another, a metropolis. But it was all the same piece of art. The same concept applies to innovation. Shifting yourself around in relation to the issue you are trying to innovate on can lead to new thinking. When you look and shift perspectives, the questions to contemplate are: How do I add value from here? How can I make it better? How can I solve the problem? Does it match what the end user is requesting? 3. Focus Looking back, this is one of the biggest lessons I have learned about facilitating innovation. If you try to solve too many problems in one go, you may end up being a jack of all trades and master of none and not solve any problem well. By having a laser focus on the problem you want to solve, you are more efficient in solving the problem at hand. Focus on what’s most important first and then add the bells and whistles as you go. My intention is not to spew the same ole same ole. But from experience, all I want to say is when at all possible, simplicity is golden. 4. Trust your instincts In my experience, instinct plays a key role in knowing which way to take your innovation. Very often, big picture thinkers have the ability to hold a lot of diverse perspectives in their heads, which allows them to see a path or trend forward, sometimes at a subconscious level. This becomes challenging for the leader, because they may be taking leaps of logic in their head, and will need help deconstructing their logic model in order to bring people along into what they see. Sometimes, there is so much advice and input that it’s hard for the leaders to access this intuition. You take in information and then you need to trust yourself and take responsibility for directing it in a specific way. It’s almost like finding your wise, centered voice on the innovation. Many will want to give you all sorts of advice. Take some with a grain of salt. Ultimately, trust your instincts. 5. Understand that innovation is a function of time I remember discussing this point back in college with an über smart philosophy masters student in my metaphysics class. He said to me as we were conversing on some philosophical concept: “innovation is just a function of time.” In other words, someone is bound to eventually come up with the idea you have. And very often, innovation is happening simultaneously; just because you’re thinking of an idea and it is original doesn’t mean someone else isn’t thinking of it too. Case in point, I launched Surf Life only to realize a few months down the road that a fellow surf instructor, whom I met in Costa Rica years ago and who now resides in the Netherlands, was in the early stage of launching Beach Life Coaching, another coaching and surfing combination model for women. And she was working on a retreat to Costa Rica, too! We had no idea we were each working on such similar concepts. It didn’t surprise me that someone in a parallel universe was putting together a very similar set of things. You have some choices here. Either accept innovation is a function of time, see what you can share and learn from the other person, believing there is enough of a need in the world for you both to serve, or you can whine like a baby and feel sorry that someone is "taking your idea" when in reality they probably just came to it on their own. (I highly recommend the former, especially if you are in the business of solving problems and making the world a better place.) Understanding innovation is just a function of time, frees your ego of the “I came up with this first” mentality and propels you to collaborate or even rethink what you are doing. The realization that me and my friend were working on similar things prompted us to connect and share our experiences and ideas, and to even think about collaborating on a future surf and coaching retreat for women. Hope these tips have been helpful to think about. It’s important to note that this is just my perspective; I know there are other innovators out there, and let this be a post that invites other perspectives into the mix. Have you spent years innovating on a concept or idea? What did you learn? When did you come to your “ah-hah” moments? In the shower? On the loo? We’d love to hear from you! (Hey, that rhymed!) Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Because leaders are often juggling so many things and are under constant pressure to make decisions, they sometimes function in a mode of overwhelm. And well, overwhelm is not always pretty.
I remember one year meeting with my organization’s treasurer who was a very busy, talented and sought-after accountant. I brought to her a draft budget for the organization, and because of her detail-oriented nature, she proceeded to go through each and every line to identify inconsistencies and mistakes, vs. staying high level and advising on general direction of the budget. It got me flustered, knowing that I had spent many many hours just getting the draft budget together. What I needed was high level oversight vs. nit-picky details that could be worked out later. When I started to get flustered by her approach, it triggered an outburst from her. Before I knew it, she was set ablaze and proceeded to tear apart the budget. It felt more like I was an employee being chastised instead of the executive of an organization. I am sure upon reflecting on it later, it was likely embarrassing to her; she knew she lost her cool, and we could both feel the discomfort at the level of unprofessionalism of the conversation. The conversation had quite an impact on me, as it felt abusive and unwarranted. In fact, I distinctly remember that incident being one of the only times in the history of running the organization that I actually considered quitting. I also knew that she was extraordinarily pressed in her own business, and fighting the daily demands of being an entrepreneur. SO at a visceral level, I got it. But it still felt bad. Well, I did not quit. But it was hard to know what to do and how to handle the triggers of the very busy people around me, especially those in a position of power. In the case of the accounting professional, she was my board member and technically had the power to hire and fire. So how does one cope with the ever-stressful business environment of our times? Below are some tips I learned along the way for dealing with people around you that lose their cool. The most important thing I learned is this: “You do have a choice; you can react negatively and be a victim, or you can turn your victimhood around and be a coach.” Here’s how. 1. Understand that it’s not YOU; it’s them First off, it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you. We all have triggers. C’mon – you know you do. One of my triggers happens to be inefficiency and frustration, and when things get dragged out or are overly processed, I can start to feel my blood boil. Human psychology points to the fact that we all have different trigger points. Inevitably, what triggers us has to do with how we were raised, our value systems, our social conditioning and brain patterning and our perception of things. This is why what triggers something in one person may not have any effect on another person. So know that when a person loses their cool, it is often more a reflection of their own perspective and conditioning. And in the case of leadership, sometimes triggers can even be the result of overwork, overwhelm, and just stress. 2. Assess WHAT you are feeling, and WHERE I know this sounds like some wavy gravy new age stuff, but I assure you, there is science behind doing this. We are not really taught to be in touch with what we are feeling when we are triggered. Doing so can take us out of our amygdala hijack zone and into a more reflective zone. When someone is triggered and they start to go off, pay attention to where YOU are in it. Are you getting anxious? Is your heart starting to beat faster? Is the whiplash in your neck from that accident 3 years ago flaring up? Are your shoulders getting tighter? The sooner you can reflect on what is happening in you, the more empowered you will be to deal with someone else’s trigger and its impact on you. You don’t have control over the other person, but you do have control over YOU. Try to NAME the feeling you are having. Is it a feeling of stress, frustration, hopelessness, tiredness? Really identify what is going on for you. This will help you take the attention off of the other person, as they may be bullying you without even realizing it. 3. Take a DEEP breath Breathing can help calm the nerves and equip you with reflective energy. It is in these moments that you will need to take a step into the space of coaching yourself. Ask yourself (not out loud!): Why am I getting triggered? How can I express this? If you can literally see your higher self step out of your body and into a calm space, that can be a helpful visualization. (My first roommate out of college in San Francisco used to come home with such negative energy. It was often so bad that I used to imagine a field of saran wrap between us so that everything she was saying and projecting towards me would just bounce back and land on her. So when she'd complain and start dishing out the negativity, I'd just nod and smile, protected by my invisible plastic force field.) Step back and tell the person what you are sensing or seeing. Stepping back, reflecting, and mentally taking yourself out of the situation helps to get you in a more rational zone. If you are sensing that the other person is upset, you can say, “I sense some frustration here. I’m curious – what is going on for you? What is it that you are feeling?” This then gets the other person to realize and start reflecting on their behavior. It gets them to talk, realize, and process their own feelings, and to reflect. 4. Stay CURIOUS If any of you have ever taken a leadership 101 course, you’ll already know this is the #1 recommended way to behave in situations where someone is getting triggered. Rather than get defensive and assume a limiting belief that they are getting triggered because of you, it is important to stay curious during this time. This goes the same if YOU happen to be the one losing your cool. If someone is getting on your last nerve, stay curious about them. Be curious as to why this person is triggering something in you. Be curious about yourself. 5. Acknowledge and name their FEELINGS Acknowledge what the other person is feeling and tell them that you hear them. By acknowledging, you can simply repeat what you hear them say. “OK, so you are feeling frustrated and like we are not valuing your time,” (or whatever the situation may be). Never tell them they are being overly sensitive, or are blowing things out of proportion. Not only is that disrespectful to the other person, it invalidates their feelings. (And frankly, it doesn’t show any real maturity on your part.) Ask or tell them what your perspective or intention is. Remember, YOU are not responsible for their triggers. (Unless, of course, you know what triggers them and you are doing it on purpose. Again, that doesn’t show any real maturity.) You don’t have to agree with them. Their feelings are their feelings. It doesn’t mean they are right or wrong. Simply acknowledging what they are saying can make the other person feel heard, and sometimes may dissolve any heavy energy. Remember, your calm and balanced state is important. If you stay calm and balanced, you will not feed into the spiral of the other person’s emotions. Try to stay cool through it all. Cool as a cucumber. 6. Ask a POWERFUL question Here’s where you swap out victimhood for being a good coach. When you are able to state your perspective, follow up with a powerful question. This will keep the conversation moving forward productively, vs. turning it into a bickering rant. A powerful question could be something like: “What do you see is the best way to move forward from here?” Or in the case of the aforementioned CEO, “How would you LIKE to be involved?” Or, “What do you really want?” Always ask powerful questions. Listen to what they have to say. Think about what assumptions they may be making of your intentions and remain, above all else, curious. Give them a chance to talk. They may have a perspective they want to share that is not able to come out because their brain has been hijacked by their emotions. 7. State your INTENTIONS (again) Respond with your intentions and your perspective. Let them know you hear them, even if you do not agree fully with them. Ask a very specific question. Sometimes, you may want to suggest to continue the discussion at a later date or in a few hours, so you both have some time to let emotions rest and can come back to the conversation with a calm perspective. The important thing to remember is to get aware of what YOU are feeling first, so you can coach yourself through the situation and understand where you are in it. If you remain calm and focused, you influence the other person to do the same. Hopefully, this will bring you both to a better understanding. And if they continue to be an ass and rave and rant away, well just paddle over to a different peak in the lineup. Oops, sorry – wrong post. Good luck! ;) Have you ever found yourself struggling to self-manage during yours or someone else's trigger? What was your strategy for getting through it? We want to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Burnout is something that can creep in very slowly, without you even realizing it. It doesn’t matter what sector you work in – be it nonprofit, corporate, or as an entrepreneur; if you are in a demanding and high-stress position for a long enough period of time, you are at risk of burning out.
As someone who has experienced burnout firsthand (involving experiences working at nonprofit organizations, where I’ve never worked harder in my life), and now coaching some of my clients through severe burnout, I wanted to share some of the strategies and steps you can take in your work and life to recognize and prevent burnout from occurring in your leadership. 1. Make your actions purposeful Reflect in order to learn. If an action is purposeful and if there is learning in between, there is less of a chance that that action will lead to burn out. So in your company or organization, for example, if you wonder why you are doing the same thing over and over again, this may be a sign that you’re headed for burnout. But if you know that what you are doing is growing you and your organization in some way, you are much more willing to do it. This is equally true for your employees. Connect the action of the employees to the greater purpose of the organization – remind them why they are doing it and what their role is. Have them reflect on it. There was a point in my leadership where I would just do. There was very little time for reflection. There was just “stuff” that needed to get done. I said yes to things that came my way without really thinking through their purpose and how they related back to the bottom line impact I was trying to make. This included setting up unnecessary recurring meetings with teams that I did not realize were an inefficient use of my time. I’ve since changed how I work. Each morning, as part of my practice, I write a list of the 6 things that will make me most happy and most productive in my business. Those become my targets for the day. Because I am such a “doer” and love the sense of accomplishment, it is important for me to be strategic about what it is I get done in a day. And sometimes, I make sure I reflect and do a little journaling at night. I don’t just DO. I have a purpose and I reflect so my actions seem less like they are coming out of a loose cannon and more like they are strategic darts. 2. Have walking meetings One of the things that leadership often does to you is pin you to your desk, or to meeting after meeting, or to eating out a great deal. Many leaders I talk to have trouble figuring out how to build self-care into their work lives. One of the best things to do is to try going on a walking meeting. When we are up and moving, different parts of our brain are active than when we are idle. We may think of new ideas and even become more creative. Give yourself to a different environment and the opportunity for other parts of your brain to ignite. Walking meetings have become such a staple in my life that when I set up meetings with people, I usually recommend we meet and walk somewhere instead of meeting somewhere to get a coffee. I have also integrated walking into my coaching sessions for my local clients. One of my friends and thought leader, Nilofer Merchant, gave a Tedx talk on this very topic. She is a staunch advocate of the walking meeting. Check it out here. 3. Do not multitask There are several studies that have come out proving how detrimental multitasking is to our brains because it can overload our working memory. Check out this article for more on that topic. I remember years ago listening to women’s leadership talks about how women are better leaders and have an innate ability to multitask. It was always positioned as a good skill to have. Undoubtedly, the ability to multitask can come in handy. However, this means you are overloading your brain’s circuitry, and not fully in concentration on one thing. You might make mistakes, you may not be thinking things through fully, and believe it or not, you’re probably going to burn yourself out over time. 4. Work smarter Pacing and working smarter is the name of the game. And a big part of working smarter is working more strategically. Ask yourself, do I have to have this meeting NOW? Ask yourself, do I have to check my e-mail NOW? One of the recommendations I have is to read e-mails as they come but to schedule time twice daily to respond to them. (And please, do not make responding e-mail a first thing in the morning priority. Use the morning time to do more creative, expansive work). For me personally, I decided to only link my personal e-mail account to my phone, and to disconnect my work e-mails from my phone. I understand that may be difficult for some of you to do given your line of work, but try reading your e-mails during the day and picking strategic times to answer them. (You can check out this article for more tips on managing e-mail). Also, remember that we have attention spans that last about 20 minutes. So, taking frequent breaks is a great way to rest and keep you going, as is sectioning off uninterrupted bouts of time (90 minutes) to get your work done – no e-mails, calls or meetings during those 90 minutes; just work! 5. Celebrate! Often, as leaders, we forget to look back and celebrate our accomplishments. I remember one of the greatest exercises an executive coach did with me was having me and my board list all the things we had accomplished in the past year. The list just kept going on and on, and I hadn’t even realized we had done so much and at what pace we were running. It almost gave me license to slow down a bit and pace myself. It was also a great exercise because it made the board see how far we had come as a team as well. 6. Set boundaries with regularly scheduled activities Having a regularly scheduled activity can be a great regulator for managing burnout. One of my colleagues who is the CEO of a renowned national nonprofit told me once that she always left the office around 4 or 4:30 every day to get her kids from school. She made the choice to be that type of mom. She had a boundary in place yet I’m sure she could have easily found reasons to work more. When I was running my organization in the early years (when I was working all the time), I used to leave the office early on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get to dance class. It was just the right break I needed, and it kept me motivated throughout the day because I was equally as passionate about dance as I was about the work I was doing. 7. Know when your time has come This is not an easy thing for many leaders. Some people are starters, implementers, maintainers, or growers. Know where you are at, and when the lifecycle of the position no longer warrants your skill, so you can move on. It’s more important for your company or organization to have fresh thinking and leadership, vs. someone who is tired and at the helm. I realize this deserves its own post at some point, so I will come back to it. What have you done to manage burnout in your work or life? I touched on some strategies, but know there are many more from the trenches. I’d like to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
A lot of people come to Surf Life Coaching to get help making a bold transition, or to figure out how to get to the next level in their careers or personal lives. Most of the time, they come stuck in their safe zone. They are afraid, and by staying in the “safe zone”, they do not grow and challenge themselves to get to where it is they really want to go.
When people start to step out of their comfort zones, a number of things happen. For entrepreneurs, it can mean the difference between really starting to differentiate themselves in their industry vs. being just another plain business. For individuals, it can mean paving an opening for going after what they really want vs. feeling stuck in their status quo lives. To take a leap and get past the fear can take a lot of work. Sometimes, people are afraid they will fail, or are afraid of what others might think of them. But what they don’t realize is that some amount of risk is what will also make them grow. Any failure they might experience will be in service to a much greater personal self-growth and discovery. I know it’s one thing to list the logical reasons for stepping out of one’s comfort zone, and it’s another thing to FEEL the need to do so. For the sake of this post, I’m going to stick to logic: 1. Grow your leadership: Stepping out of your comfort zone can aid in developing your leadership and self-growth. As an example, a few years into running the nonprofit organization I founded, I was struggling in a relationship with one of my most important employees and fellow leaders. Most of the time, we found ourselves burning the candle at both ends and were very overworked and tired. We were stressed, and tempers were often short. I knew we needed to have a critical conversation about what was going on, but I remember neither of us really wanted to have it. We didn’t know HOW to have it, AND it was uncomfortable. As I was the so-called ‘boss’, I’m sure it was hard for her to bring up our discordant dynamic. And truth be told, I was equally afraid because back then, I wasn’t very versed with head-on, to-the-point conflict. I was afraid of being blamed or worse yet, that she might leave. (Yes, bosses have fears, too.) We danced around this dynamic for a bit until it finally came to a head and we both had to have the conversation. It was uncomfortable and I felt vulnerable, but it was so good to get things on the table. Truth be told, tears were shed and thoughts and feelings were expressed. And afterwards, it was as if we were in a whole new space. I really understood her perspective and what she needed, and she understood my perspective, too. Stepping into this zone of discomfort took me to a whole other level in my leadership. Conversations on difficult subjects after that with other employees, family and friends never seemed hard at all. I had forced myself to be out of my comfort zone with this, and looking back, what I realized was that it was one of the best skills I developed in my leadership arsenal for the years ahead. No conversation after that ever seemed quite as scary. 2. Stand out from the crowd: Being uncomfortable is often the path to differentiation. For example, I coach a number of entrepreneurs, and sometimes they end up sitting in their comfort zones in their business or lives, and nothing seems to be moving. When they realize and come to terms with that big, scary idea or passion they have been stuffing away all these years, and start to move towards it, it feels uncomfortable. They get scared, and often the voices of “can’t” and “sabotage” get in the way and give them every logical argument as to why they shouldn’t step towards it. But, stepping towards this is when they start to grow. If you are not in a place of feeling slightly uncomfortable, not stepping into new territory, how are you to find what makes you different? As an example, before I started Surf Life Coaching, I was just a coach – a “vanilla” brand coach for leaders and entrepreneurs (though some would say I’m too brown to be vanilla, but you know what I mean!). Many friends and coaching colleagues would suggest that I somehow integrate surfing into my approach, since I loved it so much. Well, I stuffed that idea so far down that I didn’t want to consider it – I was afraid. But it was an idea that kept popping up again and again that I couldn’t seem to bury. After much introspection, months of coaching and a day-long seminar on finding my true calling, I realized I could stay on land and do traditional coaching and trudge along in my business, or I could create something unique with little road map or knowledge of how to do it, and try to deliver my coaching service in a new and better way. I remember when I saw the path of where I needed to go. I knew I needed to go all out with this surfing and coaching concept. It had me terrified. In the end, I got over the fears and developed my own methodology for Surf Life Coaching. What this did was allow me to differentiate my services, and stand out. It was not the comfortable path by any means, but it helped set my approach apart, allowing me to deliver my unique skills and talents to those most in need. 3. Gain new insights: Getting out of your comfort zone can often bring you to new ideas and insights. When we surround ourselves with the same people, images, thoughts and media all the time, we are just reinforcing and trying to build on what we know. When we can get out and see the world, connect with someone other than who is in our normal circle, we not only gain new perspectives, we also gain critical new insights for ourselves. This is why you might find business leaders choosing to hike up big mountains with Sherpas during their vacations, or activists bridging the worlds of technology and entrepreneurship to build hybrid models to get to something new. Getting out of their comfort zones forces them to experience things in a different way, and to gain valuable perspective that can often lead to new creation. Great leaders may take risks and hire people for a position with little to no experience in their industry, but with know-how on the general concepts. It’s a risk for the company or organization to bring in somebody without the industry knowledge, but what they gain through this is an entirely different perspective and way of seeing things that often ends up becoming a competitive advantage more than anything else. 4. Build resilience: My second job out of college was as an Americorps/VISTA (sorta like the domestic Peace Corps) volunteer at a start-up social venture helping low-income women entrepreneurs to start their own businesses. When I arrived on site to the job, I had no desk, no computer, no office and essentially, no physical place to work. I had to find it all. I worked out of my supervisor’s home office, borrowed a desk at central administration, and then worked out of a site for a homeless jobs program before landing in a commercial bank – all within the span of 12 months. I know – yikes! It was the most uncomfortable situation to go from a structured academic environment in college to having to fundraise to get your own computer and a chair to sit your butt down in! But what this discomfort did was pattern in me a solutions-oriented and troubleshooting mind. I would come to use those skills to start the next two social ventures and my business. It gave me insights on how to attract and leverage resources, and how to stretch a dollar 5 times around the block, so to speak. It also got me comfortable with mobility, and being able to be productive no matter what the environment. These skills would come in handy for my entire future career in entrepreneurship. And then there was the time I found myself in Western Samoa in a village with a shack for a bathroom, sleeping on a mat on a plank with no walls. Another seemingly uncomfortable situation, but I was not intimidated. ;) Anyways, the discomfort seeded in me a resilience for change, and detachment to space. These have been critical lessons learned along the road that have helped tremendously in my life transitions, and in creating and building things. Resilience is invaluable currency. 5. Grow your capacity for respect and humility: When you step out of your comfort zone, you actually connect more with the world, and learn to have a healthy respect for others. For example, when I take people surfing for the first time - let’s face it - they usually have their asses handed to them. They fumble, wipe out, roll in the surf, and then pop their heads back up wondering why they weren’t able to get up on their board. Some of them are used to being in control of everything in their businesses, careers and lives, but why can’t they get a hold of this? When they finish, they have such a different respect for the ocean, and a whole new respect for people who charge the ocean on bigger waves. It also is a process that flattens ego, and can be a very rich place for self-discovery and for learning humility. I’m curious - where in your life or career have you felt stuck, but then ventured out of your comfort zone? How did you do it and what did you learn? I want to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Everybody has the tendency to sometimes complain about their circumstances or the people they are in relationship with. I once read somewhere that complaints are are just unspoken requests. But sometimes we cannot make the requests we want to make so find ourselves in the position of complaining. What we do have the power to shift is what is within us. Getting in touch with your ability to make these internal shifts will help the leaps you want to take in your wave of life to be all the more smoother.
For example, there is an important relationship in my life but I had a hard time with the way that particular person has related to me in the past. This person from time to time would start to accuse me of things and then would start to criticize me. I would feel defensive and hurt. I realized that it was holding me back in a lot of ways and making me feel bad about myself, and even eroding my self-confidence. I decided the next time she started to criticize me, that I would not react, but I would try to understand her perspective and see if I could find some value in her words and just listen. Rather than let her words land on my heart center and feel defensive, as she spoke I imagined them landing on the ground in the space in front of me. I also told myself to not take it personally. I made the conscious decision about how I was going to react and to approach the conflict the way I would surf a wave – to just be curious, go with it and follow it. I listened and ask questions and tried to understand and clarify the source of what was making her criticize me. The process diffused the episode of this person and allowed me the space to speak my voice and share my perspective with them. In the end, I didn’t change her, but changed the WAY I chose to relate to her. It also became apparent that her episodes were more about HER feelings and the way she experienced the world vs. about me. I learned that when you’re trying to move forward and you feel something or someone is holding you back, it’s easier to shift something within you, rather than change someone or try to change your circumstances. You have far more control over changing YOU first . This has been a critical lesson for me in leaping into the unknowns of life, not knowing what you might face. Having the muscle to flow in and out of conflict and shift your RESPONSE to what is happening will make you all the more prepared to take your leap in life, whatever it may be. Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
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AuthorFarhana Huq Archives
June 2023
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