It can be challenging to figure out how to represent yourself within the framework of a personal brand, deciding how you want to get noticed, and how to communicate your personal platform, beliefs and values.
Transitions can pose even greater challenges to personal branding, because often your platform and what you stand for may not yet be clear. However, I’ve noticed that what people get stuck on are often not the real “heart and soul” aspects of personal branding. They don’t realize that effective personal branding is not simply about a social media presence and a good logo. Below are some common mistakes people make when it comes to personal branding, along with some helpful suggestions for what to focus on. 1. Thinking That Social Media Makes Your Brand I was recently talking with a professional athlete who is in the process of trying to define her personal brand. She expressed to me that she was really concerned about posting selfie shots because she was worried she would appear too narcissistic, or worse - that people would think she thought she was better than everyone else. Unfortunately, we live in an age of hyper self-promotion and assertion. It’s almost a necessity in some industries to constantly post because everyone is competing to get noticed. Here’s the thing: what people don’t realize is that they can paint as great a picture as they want of themselves in the social media space. But the single biggest determining factor of their personal brand inevitably will be affected by how they show up in their relationships with people – not just online. There is a well-known author and activist I personally know who is always incessantly posting selfies to the point where one would wonder if he actually was a narcissist. Yet in person, he is one of the kindest, and most generous souls I’ve ever met. With such a packed travel and speaking schedule, any time I reached out to him, he always made it a point to somehow fit me in and help me out with a question or advice. I will always remember him and his brand not so much by his Facebook posts, but rather, through my experiences with him. With every interaction, every communication, you have a choice for how you represent the brand of YOU. It’s not solely about the frequency of your Facebook selfies or tweets; your personal brand is about the whole you and what you stand for. This is why great personal branders bring much of their authentic selves into the online space in a way that is consistent with their values and what they stand for. Not everyone will like you, and not everyone will agree with your values, but in the end, be conscious of how you show up for a person or interaction. In much the same way, I’m going to remember the graphic designer who volunteered her time and delivered what she promised, more than I remember the beautiful design itself or how cool and beautiful her Facebook post designs are. Your social media does not determine your brand. How you make people FEEL and and what you stand for does. In the end, actions speak louder than words. 2. Underestimating the Power of Stories One of the critical, essential pieces of a strong personal brand is the story behind the brand. People remember stories over anything else. As a professional fundraiser and leader of a non-profit organization for over a decade, one of the first things taught in Fundraising 101 was to always introduce myself and my background story FIRST and foremost before addressing my audience. Stories connect people to who you are and, most importantly, to your value system. Instead of listing what you believe in, sharing a story to illustrate your point will serve as a memorable reminder to people of what you truly stand for. The impact is much more profound. One year, I was searching for a vendor to help me complete a project I was working on at my non-profit. One website focused on the features and benefits of the vendor’s service, boasting high quality pictures and such. The competing website had a prominent picture of the business owner, along with a story of what motivated them to start their business and how they got it up and running. It was an immediate emotional hook. I remember feeling like I wanted to choose the second vendor over the other because she had values and a story that resonated with mine. I also remembered it. In short, she used her story in a compelling way to define her business and personal brand. It’s no longer strong enough to say that you are the greatest speechwriter for emerging leaders. Tell a story of why you got into speech writing, or perhaps how you worked with someone to get them from point A to point B. Share what it was like - a memorable moment, what your client said, or what you realized. People will remember this above all else. 3. Trying to Pigeonhole Yourself My clients are often multi-talented and passionate about a myriad of things. They then find themselves in a transition wondering what direction to take and how to position themselves. The problem soon arises where they end up pigeonholing themselves and feel as if they have left the other 75% of who they are out of the equation. You can be many things, but people with successful personal brands are able to find the thread that connects the many things they do. My good friend Mira, a talented hip hop artist, aspiring ninja (yes, ninja), surfer, environmental justice youth program developer, writer and editor was in a conundrum not too long ago. “I have so many passions. How do I focus on positioning myself in a way that is authentic and attracts projects I’d like to work on without losing sight of all of my many talents,” she’d ask. The key for Mira was finding the common thread amongst everything she did. She determined that this common thread was empowering urban youth to connect to the outdoors. So, my recommendation to her was to figure out how to represent herself as someone who specializes in urban environmental education – from creating hip hop music, to consulting and writing for projects that seek to engage urban youth in the natural environment. It doesn’t mean she gives up her other talents or focus, but it becomes a lens for her to position herself and stand out as the go-to person for creative guidance and solutions in the realm of urban environmental education. She still surfs and she still raps, making her even more unique in her space. (And she has really cool sneakers, which also makes her a memorable character!) There may be times when it is more appropriate for Mira to push her writing and consulting skills, and other instances where it is more appropriate for her to push her music skills, but the important thing is that she’s clear about what’s in her arsenal, and she has a memorable, unifying theme (empowering urban youth to connect to the outdoors) that makes it easier for her to convey her talents and services to others. Think of your personal brand as an umbrella under which you include all the attributes, values and skills that are uniquely you. So, the idea is to do less pigeonholing and more umbrella-ing of yourself when crafting your personal brand. Find the common threads among things to form your theme where appropriate. In summary, an effective personal brand is as holistic as the whole person you are. Let’s face it - no human being is one-dimensional and can be summed up in just a logo or a brand promise. We are whole beings, and therefore it’s important to employ a “whole being approach” when it comes to your personal branding, vs. trying to simply follow the rules of companies. At the end of the day, people follow people who are consistent, memorable, and interesting! Do you have another perspective or lesson to share on personal branding? What have you learned along the way? We'd love to hear from you!
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I’m all about toolkits when it comes to leadership. You never know what you will face day in and day out, and it helps to have skills and exercises (and tools!) for navigating dynamic working environments.
Same thing is true for transitions. One of the earliest skills I was taught as an executive leader was the importance of having curiosity in your toolkit. In fact, cultivating curiosity is one of the behaviors that has helped me immensely in my career. So what’s the big deal about curiosity? What about the argument of following your intuition? Here are my thoughts on the matter. I remember going to an executive leadership training many years ago. One of the trainers stood in front of the room and told us all a story. I don’t remember the story very well, but the content is irrelevant to the point. The trainer only gave us part of the story and then asked us what happened next based on what we heard. We were given a few minutes to conjecture the next part of the story. We went around the room, each person telling a wildly different scenario of what they thought happened, from the main protagonist dying, to winning the Olympics. We were essentially left with our own thoughts as guides to make up the remainder of the story. What became apparent was this: People like to make things up. Period. Our tendency to make up stories about people, situations, scenarios and projecting our own versions of what happened was something that came easily to us. We were then read what really happened in the story. Of course it did not match any of our versions. As people and leaders, we make up our own version of reality with limited data all the time. I’m guilty of it too, in business and in life. Just the other day, I was supposed to take two people up north for a surf outing. The contact person was really responsive initially, and we had set a date. Two days prior, I sent him a confirmation and link to pay, and did not hear a word. Two days passed and it was now the night before our lesson, and still no word. I had already rented gear for the outing and did not know whether to show up or assume they just flaked. I thought perhaps they changed their minds, or maybe I wrote something that offended them in my e-mail. I had so many scenarios going through my head! When I woke up in the morning, I got a message from them saying their car had broken down and that had set them back on schedule tremendously. They apologized for the lack of response and said they would be there for the appointment. I racked my brain about what happened and started to assume my own version. Yet, in the end, it was just about car trouble. Staying curious would have allowed me to not stress so much, nor beat myself up. I can’t count the number of times something has happened in a relationship or with a person at work when I’d make up a reason for it in my head, only to find out - once I became curious and asked into a situation or a behavior - the reasons were so different from what I thought! By staying curious, you free yourself up from interpretations and stories and open yourself up to learning another’s perspective, or gaining insight into a situation. So what about the age-old advice of trusting your intuition? How do you reconcile staying curious while not getting sidetracked by your intuition? Here’s what I learned from one of my supervisors, Ann Betz, when I was being trained as a coach. Ann is world-renowned in the coaching field, and is responsible for translating the latest in neuroscience findings and applying the research and conclusions to coaching concepts and practices for The Coaches Training Institute. (I know - basically, the coolest job in the world!) What I learned from Ann is that there is an aspect of intuition having to do with how experiences are stored and patterned in our brain. Simultaneously, neuroscientists believe we have 3 recognized brains – the head brain, the heart brain and the gut brain. In fact, we have neurons in our gut and in our heart that take in information and send it to our central nervous system. That information is then sent up to the right hemisphere of our brain. But what ends up happening when we get these impulses is that the right side of our brain doesn’t necessarily know how to put the feelings into words. These intuitive “hits” as we call them, come to us as energy. Because they’re landing in a part of the brain that can’t necessarily translate the energy into words, it leaves us to use a different part of our brain to interpret it. And so comes our inclination for drawing conclusions based on previous experiences or patterns. What’s important to note here is that though the “hit” we get and impulse is real and true, it is also true that we may mistake our interpretation of it. This is why, as coaches, we are taught to plug into our intuition with clients, not to get attached to the interpretation of it, but rather to throw out what comes to us and explore it with the client and offer the client a chance to interpret it. Curiosity is crucial for us in this instance, as it releases us from judgment and assumptions. It helps our intuition become a tool of exploration to get to the truth about a situation. In short, you can use your curiosity when you are using your intuition; just don’t get attached to your interpretation of the intuition. So whether you get a gut feeling or are left with pieces of a puzzle you cannot make sense of, remain curious and open. If you are a leader, it can open up opportunities to get to clarity and can free you of unnecessary worry. If you are in transition, curiosity can open paths to new opportunities and experiences that you may not have expected. Here are some tips about how to manage your curiosity while also honoring your intuition: 1. When you feel triggered by something, give yourself time to decompress. Relax, and perhaps journal about your feelings. Talk to friends. Do not assume anything. When you are ready, approach the situation with genuine curiosity. 2. Segue into curiosity without judgment. A good way to start is, “I noticed x,y,z … I’m curious what happened.” Or, “I’m curious what you were thinking about when you said x,y,z.” How you see and experience a situation may be very different from how another person sees it. 3. If you’re in transition, make a list of all the things you’ve ever been curious about doing, and see if you can attach a value to each action. Perhaps you want to try horseback riding because it honors your value of feeling free. Perhaps you want to start a business because it honors your value of taking on a challenge. Once you’ve come up with a list and reasons why these things are meaningful to you, ask yourself what the first step would be in making those activities happen. Then, go do it! 4. Trust your instincts. When you get a hit on something, test out your intuition by saying. “I am feeling x,y,z,” or “I see x,y,z as I’m talking to you.” Follow it up with a question of “Does that land with you?” or “What do you see?” 5. Use your inner intuition and stay curious when opening yourself up to new paths. If you need to make a decision on something, try closing your eyes and imagine each decision as its own path. Go down one path that represents one decision. If you stayed curious, ask yourself what you see on that path as you move down it. How does it feel? Then try closing your eyes and going down another road that represents another decision, opening yourself up again to curiosity and what naturally may show up in your mind on that path. Journal about your experiences and be open to what you may discover!
My answer to whether the risk is worth taking is, it depends. Here are four recommendations I’d make to anyone who is contemplating making a really radical life or business change, yet is seemingly paralyzed by the fear of losing job security, balancing family, or other practical, modern-day considerations.
1. Make sure you are “on purpose”. Before you can answer whether the risk is worth taking, ask yourself this: Is this my purpose? Is this truly what I’m about and the reason I was put on this earth? If you come up with a resounding yes, then the risk may very well be worth taking. Consider for a moment you found your purpose which, for many people, often takes half a lifetime. Now that you know your purpose, why would you want to waste your time on anything else? Your life will go by quickly. You don’t want to be on your deathbed wishing you had done things differently, do you? When we are on purpose, we resonate more, we feel excited and invigorated, and we attract the resources and people around us that we need to achieve our vision. That resonance will have more impact on us being successful than if we were just given a big pot of money and told to create something we weren’t that into. Purpose is the platform to our vision, which in turn drives our everyday actions and choices. You can’t ever succeed if you don’t risk it. But risk it with purpose. You will often read in popular entrepreneurial writings that entrepreneurs hardly ever do something because they are driven to make a lot of money. Many of the ones who became successful did it because they believed in their idea so much and were driven by the value it could bring to the world. If you believe in something that much, then the risk is worth it, because with that drive and passion, you are that much more motivated to find the right path forward. 2. Minimize the risk. Leaps don’t just happen over night. I think it’s time to insert a surf life metaphor for you. A big wave surfer doesn’t just drop down Mavericks (a big wave in Northern California) one day without first having started in baby waves. She practices for years and years and keeps pushing her limits. She trains. She visualizes. She gets her mind as well as her body prepared. She grows her competency. In other words, she does things to minimize the risk. The concept is similar when thinking about risks on land, in life and in business. When I started my first social impact organization, I had contract jobs on the side and worked on my idea with the other part of my time. I didn’t start by renting office space and carrying monthly payments, making a website and then looking for clients. That would have opened me up to too much risk. I thought about minimizing the risk through partnerships, and through making baby steps by collaborating with other programs and institutions to serve their clients first. Then I spun off. Whether it’s considering leaving a career and going after the idea of your dreams, or taking a leap of faith with a courageous conversation, think about how you can start to do a pilot run of it. Test the idea. Take baby steps. Shrink your idea into parts. Be sure you can answer these questions: Why am I doing this? What do I want to get out of it? How will I do it? 3. It’s more about persistence and less about failure. In my work as a social entrepreneur, I actually had to deal with the difficult decision of winding down an organization. It had succeeded in meeting its mission for women for 11 years. On the outside that seems like 11 successful years! But the truth of the matter is, there were many failures over that 11 years, too. Looking back, if I stopped everytime I failed, there would not have been an organization. But I chose to be persistent, and that is the reason the organization kept going. So, you will fail. It’s actually inevitable in many courageous and creative pursuits. But it’s not the failure that matters; at the end of the day, persistence is most important. How many waves does a surfer wipe out on before they can pop up on just one? (Yes, here I go with the surf metaphors - they're just so good!) Many. And it’s not failure - it’s learning. We need to have a growth mindset when thinking about courageous transitions. Instead of seeing failure as failure, see failure as learning and move on. 4. Forget about what others will say. This is perhaps the #1 biggest fear I see in people – fear of how you will appear to others and the shame you might feel if you fail. Take it from me, if you live your life fearing what others think of you, you WILL be held back from your potential. When you are worried about what others say, you are relying on others to define your potential and (worst of all) to give you permission. I learned this the hard way in my leadership. As a young leader with some amount of organizational power, there were some times I uncomfortable with the power, and would rely on seeking permission from others – from my board, from my colleagues, from advisors, from my team. At the end of the day, I wasn't listening to what my voice inside me said. It is very common in organizations for many people to work through the leader and it is important for the leader to hold multiple stakeholder’s agendas. At some point, however, you might find yourself needing to make a decision for yourself, and only YOU know you best. Now, when I am in a highly creative state of change or new creation, I purposely distance myself from certain critics and people or just don’t offer too much information on what I’m doing. If they aren’t resonating at the same frequency that I am and are doubtful of my plans or ideas, they often become critical and quick to judge. This makes it harder for me to be successful, as I then find myself in a spiral of doubt, and well, doubt doesn’t help anyone. Surround yourself with the people who aren’t going to judge you for the moment, and keep yourself at a distance from those who are. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying to avoid people who can give you honest and critical advice, but at the end of the day make sure they are in support of YOU and not just projecting their own fears of risk onto you. It can make all the difference. Have you found yourself in a position where you feel stuck and are afraid of venturing down a new path for fear of failure? What did you do to decide whether the risk was worth taking? Inquiring minds want to know! Like What You Read? Subscribe To My Newsletter!
The other night I was hanging out at my surf buddy Alex’s home. Alex is a mathematician who teaches computer science and researcher at U.C. Berkeley (she’s also a total ripper). I noticed a cartoon-like cut-out of her face placed on a shower background with a conference logo on it. When I asked what it meant, she explained that the running joke amongst mathematicians is that all the insight and best ideas come to them in the shower. It got me thinking for a second. So mathematicians generally get their “ah-has” in the shower. Where have I gotten mine all these years? It got me thinking a little more about innovation and insights and inspired me to share a few key lessons I’ve learned along the way.
1. Talk to unlikely partners One of the innovations I worked on in my career (among a few) was an entrepreneurship education program for immigrant women. I was trying to figure out how to use technology and creative media to create greater access of the program to more women. I started the project in 2001, developed the non-tech prototype over a period of years, got pilot funding in 2007 to develop the media, and then a second round of funding in 2009. It was a LONG, creative process. At one point, we even won the innovation award from the Association for Enterprise Opportunity, the national governing body for our industry. Hands down, talking with people that had absolutely NOTHING to do with immigrant women, entrepreneurship and non-profits often challenged and stretched my perspective throughout the innovative process and helped us look at problems differently. We are often so deep in our own innovation and building it, that it is easy to get lost in that perspective and easy for that perspective to narrow. When you talk with people who have absolutely none of the normal assumptions you would have while developing your innovation, product or idea, out-of-the box ideas start to generate. You also open up your idea to people who think and solve problems differently. I remember in one week talking with a marketing professional for Chiquita bananas and then a juice entrepreneur, a community college professor and two veteran engineers of HP. All had such interesting and different insights to share on our work and thought about how to approach or solve for things in different ways. This was one of the things I enjoyed most about the process - bringing together a hybrid of perspectives and coming to a new idea or insight based on these conversations. Others see what you sometimes can’t. The richest ideas always came from this type of cross-pollination of perspectives. 2. Shift perspectives In addition to getting outside perspectives, it is equally important to be shifting YOUR perspective and your team’s perspective all the time. This is an exercise that is done a lot in coaching. You can be sitting and twiddling your thumbs over something, but if you move to a different part of the room, and look out the window, you will see it differently. Back to Alex – my mathematician friend. That same night, her boyfriend hands me a piece of art that he had scribbled on a napkin. My first instinct was to twirl it around in different directions. Each angle I shifted it to, I saw something completely different on the napkin. At one angle I saw a rooster. At another angle, a face … and at another, a metropolis. But it was all the same piece of art. The same concept applies to innovation. Shifting yourself around in relation to the issue you are trying to innovate on can lead to new thinking. When you look and shift perspectives, the questions to contemplate are: How do I add value from here? How can I make it better? How can I solve the problem? Does it match what the end user is requesting? 3. Focus Looking back, this is one of the biggest lessons I have learned about facilitating innovation. If you try to solve too many problems in one go, you may end up being a jack of all trades and master of none and not solve any problem well. By having a laser focus on the problem you want to solve, you are more efficient in solving the problem at hand. Focus on what’s most important first and then add the bells and whistles as you go. My intention is not to spew the same ole same ole. But from experience, all I want to say is when at all possible, simplicity is golden. 4. Trust your instincts In my experience, instinct plays a key role in knowing which way to take your innovation. Very often, big picture thinkers have the ability to hold a lot of diverse perspectives in their heads, which allows them to see a path or trend forward, sometimes at a subconscious level. This becomes challenging for the leader, because they may be taking leaps of logic in their head, and will need help deconstructing their logic model in order to bring people along into what they see. Sometimes, there is so much advice and input that it’s hard for the leaders to access this intuition. You take in information and then you need to trust yourself and take responsibility for directing it in a specific way. It’s almost like finding your wise, centered voice on the innovation. Many will want to give you all sorts of advice. Take some with a grain of salt. Ultimately, trust your instincts. 5. Understand that innovation is a function of time I remember discussing this point back in college with an über smart philosophy masters student in my metaphysics class. He said to me as we were conversing on some philosophical concept: “innovation is just a function of time.” In other words, someone is bound to eventually come up with the idea you have. And very often, innovation is happening simultaneously; just because you’re thinking of an idea and it is original doesn’t mean someone else isn’t thinking of it too. Case in point, I launched Surf Life only to realize a few months down the road that a fellow surf instructor, whom I met in Costa Rica years ago and who now resides in the Netherlands, was in the early stage of launching Beach Life Coaching, another coaching and surfing combination model for women. And she was working on a retreat to Costa Rica, too! We had no idea we were each working on such similar concepts. It didn’t surprise me that someone in a parallel universe was putting together a very similar set of things. You have some choices here. Either accept innovation is a function of time, see what you can share and learn from the other person, believing there is enough of a need in the world for you both to serve, or you can whine like a baby and feel sorry that someone is "taking your idea" when in reality they probably just came to it on their own. (I highly recommend the former, especially if you are in the business of solving problems and making the world a better place.) Understanding innovation is just a function of time, frees your ego of the “I came up with this first” mentality and propels you to collaborate or even rethink what you are doing. The realization that me and my friend were working on similar things prompted us to connect and share our experiences and ideas, and to even think about collaborating on a future surf and coaching retreat for women. Hope these tips have been helpful to think about. It’s important to note that this is just my perspective; I know there are other innovators out there, and let this be a post that invites other perspectives into the mix. Have you spent years innovating on a concept or idea? What did you learn? When did you come to your “ah-hah” moments? In the shower? On the loo? We’d love to hear from you! (Hey, that rhymed!) Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Because leaders are often juggling so many things and are under constant pressure to make decisions, they sometimes function in a mode of overwhelm. And well, overwhelm is not always pretty.
I remember one year meeting with my organization’s treasurer who was a very busy, talented and sought-after accountant. I brought to her a draft budget for the organization, and because of her detail-oriented nature, she proceeded to go through each and every line to identify inconsistencies and mistakes, vs. staying high level and advising on general direction of the budget. It got me flustered, knowing that I had spent many many hours just getting the draft budget together. What I needed was high level oversight vs. nit-picky details that could be worked out later. When I started to get flustered by her approach, it triggered an outburst from her. Before I knew it, she was set ablaze and proceeded to tear apart the budget. It felt more like I was an employee being chastised instead of the executive of an organization. I am sure upon reflecting on it later, it was likely embarrassing to her; she knew she lost her cool, and we could both feel the discomfort at the level of unprofessionalism of the conversation. The conversation had quite an impact on me, as it felt abusive and unwarranted. In fact, I distinctly remember that incident being one of the only times in the history of running the organization that I actually considered quitting. I also knew that she was extraordinarily pressed in her own business, and fighting the daily demands of being an entrepreneur. SO at a visceral level, I got it. But it still felt bad. Well, I did not quit. But it was hard to know what to do and how to handle the triggers of the very busy people around me, especially those in a position of power. In the case of the accounting professional, she was my board member and technically had the power to hire and fire. So how does one cope with the ever-stressful business environment of our times? Below are some tips I learned along the way for dealing with people around you that lose their cool. The most important thing I learned is this: “You do have a choice; you can react negatively and be a victim, or you can turn your victimhood around and be a coach.” Here’s how. 1. Understand that it’s not YOU; it’s them First off, it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you. We all have triggers. C’mon – you know you do. One of my triggers happens to be inefficiency and frustration, and when things get dragged out or are overly processed, I can start to feel my blood boil. Human psychology points to the fact that we all have different trigger points. Inevitably, what triggers us has to do with how we were raised, our value systems, our social conditioning and brain patterning and our perception of things. This is why what triggers something in one person may not have any effect on another person. So know that when a person loses their cool, it is often more a reflection of their own perspective and conditioning. And in the case of leadership, sometimes triggers can even be the result of overwork, overwhelm, and just stress. 2. Assess WHAT you are feeling, and WHERE I know this sounds like some wavy gravy new age stuff, but I assure you, there is science behind doing this. We are not really taught to be in touch with what we are feeling when we are triggered. Doing so can take us out of our amygdala hijack zone and into a more reflective zone. When someone is triggered and they start to go off, pay attention to where YOU are in it. Are you getting anxious? Is your heart starting to beat faster? Is the whiplash in your neck from that accident 3 years ago flaring up? Are your shoulders getting tighter? The sooner you can reflect on what is happening in you, the more empowered you will be to deal with someone else’s trigger and its impact on you. You don’t have control over the other person, but you do have control over YOU. Try to NAME the feeling you are having. Is it a feeling of stress, frustration, hopelessness, tiredness? Really identify what is going on for you. This will help you take the attention off of the other person, as they may be bullying you without even realizing it. 3. Take a DEEP breath Breathing can help calm the nerves and equip you with reflective energy. It is in these moments that you will need to take a step into the space of coaching yourself. Ask yourself (not out loud!): Why am I getting triggered? How can I express this? If you can literally see your higher self step out of your body and into a calm space, that can be a helpful visualization. (My first roommate out of college in San Francisco used to come home with such negative energy. It was often so bad that I used to imagine a field of saran wrap between us so that everything she was saying and projecting towards me would just bounce back and land on her. So when she'd complain and start dishing out the negativity, I'd just nod and smile, protected by my invisible plastic force field.) Step back and tell the person what you are sensing or seeing. Stepping back, reflecting, and mentally taking yourself out of the situation helps to get you in a more rational zone. If you are sensing that the other person is upset, you can say, “I sense some frustration here. I’m curious – what is going on for you? What is it that you are feeling?” This then gets the other person to realize and start reflecting on their behavior. It gets them to talk, realize, and process their own feelings, and to reflect. 4. Stay CURIOUS If any of you have ever taken a leadership 101 course, you’ll already know this is the #1 recommended way to behave in situations where someone is getting triggered. Rather than get defensive and assume a limiting belief that they are getting triggered because of you, it is important to stay curious during this time. This goes the same if YOU happen to be the one losing your cool. If someone is getting on your last nerve, stay curious about them. Be curious as to why this person is triggering something in you. Be curious about yourself. 5. Acknowledge and name their FEELINGS Acknowledge what the other person is feeling and tell them that you hear them. By acknowledging, you can simply repeat what you hear them say. “OK, so you are feeling frustrated and like we are not valuing your time,” (or whatever the situation may be). Never tell them they are being overly sensitive, or are blowing things out of proportion. Not only is that disrespectful to the other person, it invalidates their feelings. (And frankly, it doesn’t show any real maturity on your part.) Ask or tell them what your perspective or intention is. Remember, YOU are not responsible for their triggers. (Unless, of course, you know what triggers them and you are doing it on purpose. Again, that doesn’t show any real maturity.) You don’t have to agree with them. Their feelings are their feelings. It doesn’t mean they are right or wrong. Simply acknowledging what they are saying can make the other person feel heard, and sometimes may dissolve any heavy energy. Remember, your calm and balanced state is important. If you stay calm and balanced, you will not feed into the spiral of the other person’s emotions. Try to stay cool through it all. Cool as a cucumber. 6. Ask a POWERFUL question Here’s where you swap out victimhood for being a good coach. When you are able to state your perspective, follow up with a powerful question. This will keep the conversation moving forward productively, vs. turning it into a bickering rant. A powerful question could be something like: “What do you see is the best way to move forward from here?” Or in the case of the aforementioned CEO, “How would you LIKE to be involved?” Or, “What do you really want?” Always ask powerful questions. Listen to what they have to say. Think about what assumptions they may be making of your intentions and remain, above all else, curious. Give them a chance to talk. They may have a perspective they want to share that is not able to come out because their brain has been hijacked by their emotions. 7. State your INTENTIONS (again) Respond with your intentions and your perspective. Let them know you hear them, even if you do not agree fully with them. Ask a very specific question. Sometimes, you may want to suggest to continue the discussion at a later date or in a few hours, so you both have some time to let emotions rest and can come back to the conversation with a calm perspective. The important thing to remember is to get aware of what YOU are feeling first, so you can coach yourself through the situation and understand where you are in it. If you remain calm and focused, you influence the other person to do the same. Hopefully, this will bring you both to a better understanding. And if they continue to be an ass and rave and rant away, well just paddle over to a different peak in the lineup. Oops, sorry – wrong post. Good luck! ;) Have you ever found yourself struggling to self-manage during yours or someone else's trigger? What was your strategy for getting through it? We want to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Burnout is something that can creep in very slowly, without you even realizing it. It doesn’t matter what sector you work in – be it nonprofit, corporate, or as an entrepreneur; if you are in a demanding and high-stress position for a long enough period of time, you are at risk of burning out.
As someone who has experienced burnout firsthand (involving experiences working at nonprofit organizations, where I’ve never worked harder in my life), and now coaching some of my clients through severe burnout, I wanted to share some of the strategies and steps you can take in your work and life to recognize and prevent burnout from occurring in your leadership. 1. Make your actions purposeful Reflect in order to learn. If an action is purposeful and if there is learning in between, there is less of a chance that that action will lead to burn out. So in your company or organization, for example, if you wonder why you are doing the same thing over and over again, this may be a sign that you’re headed for burnout. But if you know that what you are doing is growing you and your organization in some way, you are much more willing to do it. This is equally true for your employees. Connect the action of the employees to the greater purpose of the organization – remind them why they are doing it and what their role is. Have them reflect on it. There was a point in my leadership where I would just do. There was very little time for reflection. There was just “stuff” that needed to get done. I said yes to things that came my way without really thinking through their purpose and how they related back to the bottom line impact I was trying to make. This included setting up unnecessary recurring meetings with teams that I did not realize were an inefficient use of my time. I’ve since changed how I work. Each morning, as part of my practice, I write a list of the 6 things that will make me most happy and most productive in my business. Those become my targets for the day. Because I am such a “doer” and love the sense of accomplishment, it is important for me to be strategic about what it is I get done in a day. And sometimes, I make sure I reflect and do a little journaling at night. I don’t just DO. I have a purpose and I reflect so my actions seem less like they are coming out of a loose cannon and more like they are strategic darts. 2. Have walking meetings One of the things that leadership often does to you is pin you to your desk, or to meeting after meeting, or to eating out a great deal. Many leaders I talk to have trouble figuring out how to build self-care into their work lives. One of the best things to do is to try going on a walking meeting. When we are up and moving, different parts of our brain are active than when we are idle. We may think of new ideas and even become more creative. Give yourself to a different environment and the opportunity for other parts of your brain to ignite. Walking meetings have become such a staple in my life that when I set up meetings with people, I usually recommend we meet and walk somewhere instead of meeting somewhere to get a coffee. I have also integrated walking into my coaching sessions for my local clients. One of my friends and thought leader, Nilofer Merchant, gave a Tedx talk on this very topic. She is a staunch advocate of the walking meeting. Check it out here. 3. Do not multitask There are several studies that have come out proving how detrimental multitasking is to our brains because it can overload our working memory. Check out this article for more on that topic. I remember years ago listening to women’s leadership talks about how women are better leaders and have an innate ability to multitask. It was always positioned as a good skill to have. Undoubtedly, the ability to multitask can come in handy. However, this means you are overloading your brain’s circuitry, and not fully in concentration on one thing. You might make mistakes, you may not be thinking things through fully, and believe it or not, you’re probably going to burn yourself out over time. 4. Work smarter Pacing and working smarter is the name of the game. And a big part of working smarter is working more strategically. Ask yourself, do I have to have this meeting NOW? Ask yourself, do I have to check my e-mail NOW? One of the recommendations I have is to read e-mails as they come but to schedule time twice daily to respond to them. (And please, do not make responding e-mail a first thing in the morning priority. Use the morning time to do more creative, expansive work). For me personally, I decided to only link my personal e-mail account to my phone, and to disconnect my work e-mails from my phone. I understand that may be difficult for some of you to do given your line of work, but try reading your e-mails during the day and picking strategic times to answer them. (You can check out this article for more tips on managing e-mail). Also, remember that we have attention spans that last about 20 minutes. So, taking frequent breaks is a great way to rest and keep you going, as is sectioning off uninterrupted bouts of time (90 minutes) to get your work done – no e-mails, calls or meetings during those 90 minutes; just work! 5. Celebrate! Often, as leaders, we forget to look back and celebrate our accomplishments. I remember one of the greatest exercises an executive coach did with me was having me and my board list all the things we had accomplished in the past year. The list just kept going on and on, and I hadn’t even realized we had done so much and at what pace we were running. It almost gave me license to slow down a bit and pace myself. It was also a great exercise because it made the board see how far we had come as a team as well. 6. Set boundaries with regularly scheduled activities Having a regularly scheduled activity can be a great regulator for managing burnout. One of my colleagues who is the CEO of a renowned national nonprofit told me once that she always left the office around 4 or 4:30 every day to get her kids from school. She made the choice to be that type of mom. She had a boundary in place yet I’m sure she could have easily found reasons to work more. When I was running my organization in the early years (when I was working all the time), I used to leave the office early on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get to dance class. It was just the right break I needed, and it kept me motivated throughout the day because I was equally as passionate about dance as I was about the work I was doing. 7. Know when your time has come This is not an easy thing for many leaders. Some people are starters, implementers, maintainers, or growers. Know where you are at, and when the lifecycle of the position no longer warrants your skill, so you can move on. It’s more important for your company or organization to have fresh thinking and leadership, vs. someone who is tired and at the helm. I realize this deserves its own post at some point, so I will come back to it. What have you done to manage burnout in your work or life? I touched on some strategies, but know there are many more from the trenches. I’d like to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Recently, there was an article in the New York Times that came out regarding executive coaching (specifically relating to entrepreneurs). It shared the many opinions surrounding this seemingly nebulous field, from the skeptics turned believers, to the die-hard naysayers that found no value in the field at all.
As someone who has worked with six different executive coaches in my career, including Marshall Goldsmith, the touted six-figure-an-engagement executive coach named in the article, I thought I’d weigh in on the discussion. (Re: Goldsmith – I was lucky to receive some coaching sessions from him gratis after attending his leadership seminar, which was hosted by one of our corporate funders. At the time, I was CEO of a non-profit, so I was grateful I got to work with him.) Here is some advice from the field on coaching, including my perspective on how to go about finding one that is the right fit for you. But before I delve into the tips, I’d like you to know two things: When I actually hired my first coach, I was totally skeptical about it, and a bit annoyed to be spending money on it out of the organization’s budget. I was financially very careful, and here we were hiring someone with an hourly rate that surpassed any staff or other contractors we were working with at the time. I also had no proof I was going to get tangible results. Months down the road, I found myself writing a testimonial for this coach about how she had made the single biggest impact on our organization at the time. What had she done? Well, I couldn’t quite articulate it, but she asked me a ton of questions the impact of which made me clear, organized, and strategic within an extremely demanding leadership position. I embraced coaching and through the years worked with other coaches along the way. The second thing is that out of the six coaches I’ve had throughout my career, there were only three I felt ever really made a significant difference for me, my organization or my leadership. Well, that’s a 50% success rate. Due to the lack of regulation of coaching as an industry, there is a fair amount of due diligence on the part of the consumer to find and land quality coaches. So, from a personal experience, I can relate to both sides of the argument presented in the New York Times article. Coaches can be incredibly life transforming to some people; they can also fall completely short for others. Why is this so? What this tells me is that there is a lot of weeding out to do when trying to find a coach, and perhaps even some trial and error or calibrating to figure out who would be the best coach for you. It also tells me how you approach coaching matters greatly, and that chemistry can determine whether a coaching relationship is going to work. So, I thought I’d share some tips from the field on the best way to go about the process if you are thinking of hiring a coach for the first time (or if you had a negative experience the first time and want to try again). 1. Know what you really want - coaching, mentoring, consulting or therapy. The big difference between coaching and something like therapy, mentoring or consulting is that coaching, first and foremost, is about enabling a client to make discoveries and decisions in service to their own life through a process that elicits both self-reflection, discovery and action. In the philosophy of coaching in which I am trained, the client is the expert of his or her own life. Coaching is about what’s happening in the present – the NOW - and what’s possible in the future. If you are focused on dealing with the now and on moving forward from your learnings, coaching is likely a good fit for you. - Therapy, more often than not, looks back and tries to make sense of your past and why you are the way you are. - Consulting is more focused on problem solving for clients where the consultant is the expert and is hired to provide technical solutions to problems. - Mentoring is generally when someone has had experience in a field or profession and they simply give you advice and guidance based on their experiences. What is it you really want? Knowing this is key in the search for a good coach. If you feel the need to dissect your past, or are held back by it, therapy might be the right option. If you are used to hiring people to tell you what to do and giving you technical advice, consulting might be what you are looking for. However, coaches often have a certain expertise area that they are able to combine with their coaching, so you may end up killing two birds with one stone. There are plenty of therapists who are also trained as coaches, and plenty of consultants who are coaches, too. More information on the differences in approaches can be found in the ICF FAQs here 2. Coaches come in all shapes and sizes. Find one that matches an area in which you need expertise. Coaching is a growing field, and it is also unregulated. (However, there are a number of amazing training and certification programs out there that produce quality coaches.) There is generally a coach out there for every area of expertise you can imagine, from coaches who specialize in grief management, to coaches who specialize in working with people grappling with the psychosocial impact of having herpes. Yes, I said herpes. Like I said, there is something out there for everyone. For example, my first coach specialized in executive leadership and communications. She was exactly what our organization needed, and helped me work through improving my communications and my relationship with my employees and co-leaders. She made me see that I was overworking myself and the team a lot, and challenged me to change my behaviors towards a healthier direction. I then worked with a coach that had extensive HR expertise. I chose to work with her due to the stress managing HR issues and difficult employee situations (though truth be told I found her more valuable as a consultant/advisor than as a transformational coach). Years later, when I started my coaching practice, I made sure I found a coach who had a successful practice, because I needed the coaching as well as the consulting know-how for the industry I was venturing into. Figure out what you specifically need and what is going to be of most value to you, and then narrow down your search. In a lot of instances, you may land coaching along with specific consulting in an area of expertise. 3. Referrals/word of mouth is still your best bet. Referrals and word of mouth is the name of the game. Great coaches have reputations that precede them, and the nature of coaching is such that it’s a really hard service to sell. It’s often something you have to experience with a person. Some of the best coaches have absolutely no website or web presence. The market is flooded with coaches claiming to be the best at this and do the best at that, but often, you’ll get your best coaches from referrals of trusted sources. If you haven’t had any rave reviews of coaches coming your way, then you should start to research. Start with your networks. Put a message out on LinkedIn to your groups detailing exactly what you are looking for. Go to the ICF (International Coach Federation) site where you can find a quality list of coaches in your geographic location via the site’s coach finder tool. They allow you to search via area of expertise as well. The ICF site is good because you are likely going to be dealing with trained, credentialed coaches. Other ways to find coaches are to use sites like Yelp.com and do a search for “coaches.” You’ll find real reviews from clients in your geographic area who have used services of coaches. There are also sites like Noomii.com that allow you to network and view different coaches who have been rated by their clients. If you don’t have money for coaching, connect with coach training and accreditation programs like The Coaches Training Institute, New Ventures West and Center for Right Relationship. Often the people going through these programs are looking for people to practice coach, as is the case with coaches certified through CTI, and will do so at very low cost (kind of like the same concept as going to someone for a discount haircut who is currently in beauty school). 4. Don’t be afraid to change coaches. We are human and are constantly evolving, learning, changing and growing. Having a particular kind of coach may have been appropriate for you at one time in your life or leadership but may not be appropriate for you now. Or, if you are in the case where you chose a coach and do not feel you are getting value out of the relationship, try working with someone else. As I mentioned above, I worked with six different coaches throughout my career. I chose them according to the stage of leadership and career/life I was in. I got value out of some, and not so much out of others. Let it be known that some people stay with one coach for years. They come back to them as they are needed, and probably do so because that coach already knows them so well and they have a good rapport. It is all about personal preference. I tend to like coaches who can offer something more than just basic coaching – who have experience in a certain field, industry or area of expertise. 5. Attend webinars and read blogs. We live in a content-driven world, and now more than ever there is a plethora of writings, blogs and e-books that coaches publish on a regular basis. There are so many opportunities now to get to know them before you jump into any kind of formal relationship. This was not the case when I started working with coaches. Attending a webinar or reading their written content is a great way to get to know coaches and determine if they can give you value. Consider signing up for some free webinars or newsletters, and see if you get some value from their approach and content. Purchase one of their inexpensive e-books. Afterwards, ask yourself these questions: - Did I get value from that webinar? - Am I curious for more? - Would I get along well with this coach? - Did I instinctively feel I could trust this coach? 5. Do a consult before committing. Chemistry is everything in coaching. If it’s not there, and if your coach cannot champion or support you in an authentic and genuine way, the relationship will not be successful. Set up a consultation to talk with a coach to see how you both connect. Most coaches do this anyway. Be prepared to ask them questions about their coaching and how they work. Trust your instincts as well. I had a coach who once told me she would know within the first 5 minutes of talking with someone if she would be a good match for them. 6. Assess credentials. I’ve naturally been coaching since I was in my teens. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I decided to go into it as a profession and received training from a renowned coaching school (The Coaches Training Institute – the school that all of my favorite coaches graduated from FYI). I wasn’t convinced completely of the value of coach certification. I must say, however, that my coaching skills definitely strengthened from going through the certification process. It’s one thing to get trained, but with certification comes more oversight, scrutiny and courageous skill building for coaches. So if you ask me if there’s a difference between a non-credentialed and credentialed coach’s quality, I’d be inclined to say yes there is. There are a few different designations given by the ICF such as MCC, a Master Certified Coach. Basically, this is someone with a lot of hours under their belt – at least 2,500 client coaching hours. Other designations include ACC (Associate Certified Coach) and PCC (Professional Certified Coach). Someone without these designations is by no means an ineffective coach, but this is just a way the industry standardizes accreditations of coaches. You can look to see if any coach has had formal coach training and if they went through a professional certification process. And yes, there are outliers in this field - those people that just have a God-given talent and intuition for this stuff without any training at all. I’ve never coached with one, but have heard about them. But you won’t know until you try, will you? (Or unless you get that magic referral.) 7. Be ready! Find a coach when you are truly ready to deal with whatever challenge you are facing, or whatever pain is in your life. For the naysayers, coaching definitely is not for everyone; it is fair to say that some people just might not be good candidates for it. The best coaching, in my opinion, happens when someone really wants to explore a change, they are willing to commit and put in the time and effort, AND they are matched with someone who has a good combination of real world experience in an area coupled with quality, (preferably credentialed) coach training. And even still, you can have all the credentials in the world, and still not be that effective. It ultimately comes down to how well your needs fit the skills, capability and chemistry of that particular coach. How did you find your coach? What do you think is the best approach? Do you have anything to add to the above tips? We want to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
A lot of people come to Surf Life Coaching to get help making a bold transition, or to figure out how to get to the next level in their careers or personal lives. Most of the time, they come stuck in their safe zone. They are afraid, and by staying in the “safe zone”, they do not grow and challenge themselves to get to where it is they really want to go.
When people start to step out of their comfort zones, a number of things happen. For entrepreneurs, it can mean the difference between really starting to differentiate themselves in their industry vs. being just another plain business. For individuals, it can mean paving an opening for going after what they really want vs. feeling stuck in their status quo lives. To take a leap and get past the fear can take a lot of work. Sometimes, people are afraid they will fail, or are afraid of what others might think of them. But what they don’t realize is that some amount of risk is what will also make them grow. Any failure they might experience will be in service to a much greater personal self-growth and discovery. I know it’s one thing to list the logical reasons for stepping out of one’s comfort zone, and it’s another thing to FEEL the need to do so. For the sake of this post, I’m going to stick to logic: 1. Grow your leadership: Stepping out of your comfort zone can aid in developing your leadership and self-growth. As an example, a few years into running the nonprofit organization I founded, I was struggling in a relationship with one of my most important employees and fellow leaders. Most of the time, we found ourselves burning the candle at both ends and were very overworked and tired. We were stressed, and tempers were often short. I knew we needed to have a critical conversation about what was going on, but I remember neither of us really wanted to have it. We didn’t know HOW to have it, AND it was uncomfortable. As I was the so-called ‘boss’, I’m sure it was hard for her to bring up our discordant dynamic. And truth be told, I was equally afraid because back then, I wasn’t very versed with head-on, to-the-point conflict. I was afraid of being blamed or worse yet, that she might leave. (Yes, bosses have fears, too.) We danced around this dynamic for a bit until it finally came to a head and we both had to have the conversation. It was uncomfortable and I felt vulnerable, but it was so good to get things on the table. Truth be told, tears were shed and thoughts and feelings were expressed. And afterwards, it was as if we were in a whole new space. I really understood her perspective and what she needed, and she understood my perspective, too. Stepping into this zone of discomfort took me to a whole other level in my leadership. Conversations on difficult subjects after that with other employees, family and friends never seemed hard at all. I had forced myself to be out of my comfort zone with this, and looking back, what I realized was that it was one of the best skills I developed in my leadership arsenal for the years ahead. No conversation after that ever seemed quite as scary. 2. Stand out from the crowd: Being uncomfortable is often the path to differentiation. For example, I coach a number of entrepreneurs, and sometimes they end up sitting in their comfort zones in their business or lives, and nothing seems to be moving. When they realize and come to terms with that big, scary idea or passion they have been stuffing away all these years, and start to move towards it, it feels uncomfortable. They get scared, and often the voices of “can’t” and “sabotage” get in the way and give them every logical argument as to why they shouldn’t step towards it. But, stepping towards this is when they start to grow. If you are not in a place of feeling slightly uncomfortable, not stepping into new territory, how are you to find what makes you different? As an example, before I started Surf Life Coaching, I was just a coach – a “vanilla” brand coach for leaders and entrepreneurs (though some would say I’m too brown to be vanilla, but you know what I mean!). Many friends and coaching colleagues would suggest that I somehow integrate surfing into my approach, since I loved it so much. Well, I stuffed that idea so far down that I didn’t want to consider it – I was afraid. But it was an idea that kept popping up again and again that I couldn’t seem to bury. After much introspection, months of coaching and a day-long seminar on finding my true calling, I realized I could stay on land and do traditional coaching and trudge along in my business, or I could create something unique with little road map or knowledge of how to do it, and try to deliver my coaching service in a new and better way. I remember when I saw the path of where I needed to go. I knew I needed to go all out with this surfing and coaching concept. It had me terrified. In the end, I got over the fears and developed my own methodology for Surf Life Coaching. What this did was allow me to differentiate my services, and stand out. It was not the comfortable path by any means, but it helped set my approach apart, allowing me to deliver my unique skills and talents to those most in need. 3. Gain new insights: Getting out of your comfort zone can often bring you to new ideas and insights. When we surround ourselves with the same people, images, thoughts and media all the time, we are just reinforcing and trying to build on what we know. When we can get out and see the world, connect with someone other than who is in our normal circle, we not only gain new perspectives, we also gain critical new insights for ourselves. This is why you might find business leaders choosing to hike up big mountains with Sherpas during their vacations, or activists bridging the worlds of technology and entrepreneurship to build hybrid models to get to something new. Getting out of their comfort zones forces them to experience things in a different way, and to gain valuable perspective that can often lead to new creation. Great leaders may take risks and hire people for a position with little to no experience in their industry, but with know-how on the general concepts. It’s a risk for the company or organization to bring in somebody without the industry knowledge, but what they gain through this is an entirely different perspective and way of seeing things that often ends up becoming a competitive advantage more than anything else. 4. Build resilience: My second job out of college was as an Americorps/VISTA (sorta like the domestic Peace Corps) volunteer at a start-up social venture helping low-income women entrepreneurs to start their own businesses. When I arrived on site to the job, I had no desk, no computer, no office and essentially, no physical place to work. I had to find it all. I worked out of my supervisor’s home office, borrowed a desk at central administration, and then worked out of a site for a homeless jobs program before landing in a commercial bank – all within the span of 12 months. I know – yikes! It was the most uncomfortable situation to go from a structured academic environment in college to having to fundraise to get your own computer and a chair to sit your butt down in! But what this discomfort did was pattern in me a solutions-oriented and troubleshooting mind. I would come to use those skills to start the next two social ventures and my business. It gave me insights on how to attract and leverage resources, and how to stretch a dollar 5 times around the block, so to speak. It also got me comfortable with mobility, and being able to be productive no matter what the environment. These skills would come in handy for my entire future career in entrepreneurship. And then there was the time I found myself in Western Samoa in a village with a shack for a bathroom, sleeping on a mat on a plank with no walls. Another seemingly uncomfortable situation, but I was not intimidated. ;) Anyways, the discomfort seeded in me a resilience for change, and detachment to space. These have been critical lessons learned along the road that have helped tremendously in my life transitions, and in creating and building things. Resilience is invaluable currency. 5. Grow your capacity for respect and humility: When you step out of your comfort zone, you actually connect more with the world, and learn to have a healthy respect for others. For example, when I take people surfing for the first time - let’s face it - they usually have their asses handed to them. They fumble, wipe out, roll in the surf, and then pop their heads back up wondering why they weren’t able to get up on their board. Some of them are used to being in control of everything in their businesses, careers and lives, but why can’t they get a hold of this? When they finish, they have such a different respect for the ocean, and a whole new respect for people who charge the ocean on bigger waves. It also is a process that flattens ego, and can be a very rich place for self-discovery and for learning humility. I’m curious - where in your life or career have you felt stuck, but then ventured out of your comfort zone? How did you do it and what did you learn? I want to hear from you! Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
Everybody has the tendency to sometimes complain about their circumstances or the people they are in relationship with. I once read somewhere that complaints are are just unspoken requests. But sometimes we cannot make the requests we want to make so find ourselves in the position of complaining. What we do have the power to shift is what is within us. Getting in touch with your ability to make these internal shifts will help the leaps you want to take in your wave of life to be all the more smoother.
For example, there is an important relationship in my life but I had a hard time with the way that particular person has related to me in the past. This person from time to time would start to accuse me of things and then would start to criticize me. I would feel defensive and hurt. I realized that it was holding me back in a lot of ways and making me feel bad about myself, and even eroding my self-confidence. I decided the next time she started to criticize me, that I would not react, but I would try to understand her perspective and see if I could find some value in her words and just listen. Rather than let her words land on my heart center and feel defensive, as she spoke I imagined them landing on the ground in the space in front of me. I also told myself to not take it personally. I made the conscious decision about how I was going to react and to approach the conflict the way I would surf a wave – to just be curious, go with it and follow it. I listened and ask questions and tried to understand and clarify the source of what was making her criticize me. The process diffused the episode of this person and allowed me the space to speak my voice and share my perspective with them. In the end, I didn’t change her, but changed the WAY I chose to relate to her. It also became apparent that her episodes were more about HER feelings and the way she experienced the world vs. about me. I learned that when you’re trying to move forward and you feel something or someone is holding you back, it’s easier to shift something within you, rather than change someone or try to change your circumstances. You have far more control over changing YOU first . This has been a critical lesson for me in leaping into the unknowns of life, not knowing what you might face. Having the muscle to flow in and out of conflict and shift your RESPONSE to what is happening will make you all the more prepared to take your leap in life, whatever it may be. Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
I asked this question to a recent client of mine who was feeling very stuck with what she wanted to do regarding a major life decision. She couldn’t answer it on the spot; it was meant to be thought over with some amount of time. It makes you think, even if you don’t have a lie. I do. Let me tell you a little about mine.
For 11 years I worked to build a non-profit organization in service to helping immigrant and refugee women start their own businesses. They faced systemic challenges in getting their businesses up and running - mostly due to language and economic barriers. In 2010, I took a sabbatical from my organization to recover from burnout, and to figure out what was next for me. I took a break from the everyday hustle and bustle of fundraising life and burning the candle at both ends. I was relatively free of stress during my sabbatical; it gave me the opportunity to really experience life in a way I had never been able to in my adult career, and to really realign my passions with my work. What became clear to me was my commitment and support to women’s empowerment. I also valued freedom and independence greatly. (Yes, I was the type of kid who would look at our shed outside my suburban NJ home and wish I could live in it by myself.) I wanted to empower and work with women, regardless of whether or not they were immigrants. When I came back from sabbatical, I realized my lie was that deep inside, I believed I was not the one who should be running this organization. Somewhere in me I felt that it should be led by the people it sought to serve – by fellow immigrant women in the community. Only they really knew and understood their circumstances and challenges and could organize and represent themselves in a way where they shared power and were the ones making change; not in a model where they were receiving “charity”. We had developed an innovative curriculum in the process, and I believed that could be spearheaded independently of the organization, by a motivated entrepreneur who could build it to its next level. At first, I thought that entrepreneur was me. Upon further reflection, the thought of raising capital and driving forward another start-up, which would take everything I had in me, made me cringe. This realization only came to me after stepping away from what I was doing, and giving myself a break. I actually had no idea about the amount of financial stress I had been under all those years to run the organization. Don’t get me wrong; we did AWESOME work. The team was even more AWESOME, and our clients – amazing. When I started working with low-income women entrepreneurs and was thinking of starting the organization, the focus on immigrant women initially came from the suggestion of an early donor, who herself was an immigrant. With that suggestion came a donation. She hadn’t seen anything substantial being done for the community in this way. In some way, it had felt as if I had been partially carrying someone else’s agenda all these years, and not one in which I felt my full authenticity. There were elements I felt I owned, but in the spirit of a non-profit, at the end of the day, I worked on behalf of the interests of donors and institutional funders. I never felt stuck, per se. The year upon returning from my sabbatical, I knew it was time for a change. I knew what my “lie” was and what the right decision for the organization was. Getting clear with myself on what I really wanted to do was key. It took time and space to figure this out. But when I figured it out, everything seemed to flow like a river. No more getting sick. No more stress. No more feeling like I was pushing a boulder up a hill. I could just flow, knowing I was set forth on a path to live my truth. That truth was to work deeply one-on-one with successful women and leaders, in service to their personal and professional transformations, and to guide them to use their success toward making positive social impact on individuals and the planet. Whereas all these years I had dedicated myself to working on behalf of women with few resources, I knew my calling was to somehow work with women who had resources, in service to adding value to the planet. Sometimes we do good work, and it is not exactly the path that we know will most fulfill us. Sometimes we do work that sucks the life out of us. It’s what Greg Levoy, author of Callings calls a parallel path. It’s like the dancer who becomes the dance critic, or the novelist who instead ends up in journalism. Don’t get me wrong - sometimes parallel paths are very necessary. But what is your truth that keeps popping up in the process? What are you avoiding that keeps showing up? What parallel paths do you keep creating for yourself to avoid your real path? You have to give yourself space and reflection to ask yourself if you are living your truth. When you don’t, it leads to feelings of stuckness, lack of motivation, and even sadness. I was fortunate to have the time and space to figure this out. I was able to explore and make so many different discoveries about my next steps. If you cannot make physical space, or take time off, it’s critical to make mental space. Journaling and adding a self-reflective process to your regime will help immensely with this. If you are feeling stuck, take the time to reflect on this question: What’s your lie? Really mull it over, and journal on this point. See what comes to you. You may be surprised at what pops up and how this bit of information can help ignite momentum for your next big leap, whether it is a career change, or new business idea. The other way to explore this (also great advice from Greg Levoy) is to have someone ask you over and over: “What do you KNOW to be true?” Have them keep asking it, and see what it uncovers in you. Like what you read? Subscribe to my newsletter!
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AuthorFarhana Huq Archives
June 2023
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