I come from a background where it was not encouraged for women to set healthy boundaries. In the nonprofit cultures of my time, very much influenced by baby boomer culture, I saw people literally contorting themselves to make things happen.  They had minimal resources to try to accomplish things that did not seem humanly possible. Best of luck if you tried to set healthy boundaries in these cultures. Doing so often resulted in subtle backlash from those that saw themselves as "truly" fighting the fight. Unfortunately, this dynamic quickly led to burnout, resentment and unhealthy work cultures.
 
Learning to set my own boundaries has been one of the most enlightening things. It has also been one of the hardest. Brené Brown, the world’s top vulnerability researcher, said something very profound once about boundaries. She said simply that in all her research, she’s found that the most boundaried people were also the most compassionate. In her book Rising Strong, she makes the case for setting boundaries and posits that resentment comes from giving up our power unwillingly.  If the world’s most renowned researcher on vulnerability is telling us this, then why does it feel so hard to find it in the surf–life metaphor? Can you still be one who goes with the flow and also be a little “square” and set boundaries?
 
Life is like a wave. Ride it. Expect ups and downs. OK. Got that. 
 
If you don’t like the wave, change your equipment (i.e., your internal surfboard) or get off the wave. OK. Check. Already made that metaphor once.
 
And, oh yeah: Learn to recognize and set boundaries to have a more fulfilling life.  Umm, hold up! Exactly how does that translate into my sea of oceanic metaphors? A buoy? Filling up a plastic pool with ocean water? Isn’t this some Western, man-made, left-brained concept? How do you overlay the concept of boundary onto something that has flow at the core of its philosophy? The more I explored this boundary stuff, I realized even the coolest of cool cultures (e.g., surf culture) sets boundaries ALL THE TIME.   
 
Most surfers go online now to check surf and ocean conditions through sites that list current and predicted surf conditions.  These are based on a number of factors like wind, buoy readings etc. When it gets big, as in double to triple overhead in a Northern California report, you often find the reporter ending their summary with the following: “Be safe and know your limits,” a fair warning to surfers that conditions may warrant a particular degree of experience and skill. It occurred to me that when we look at that report, or scan conditions of the ocean ourselves, we are making a conscious decision of whether to go or not to go, taking steps to protect our safety. And that’s when it all made sense to me:
 
The concept of exercising boundaries is actually more about accessing your own internal wisdom, listening and getting clear with what you are or are OK or not OK with in a situation, or relationship. It’s less about anything tangible at all.
 
As surfers, we set boundaries all the time (well, at least I do). In a culture where it’s rewarded to keep pushing the boundaries on things, it’s no wonder why we as people have a hard time setting them in normal life. After all, boundaries don’t sound particularly sexy—they are the opposite of edgy. They’re very square. But they are so necessary to living and leading in a healthy way. Even extreme athletes, for all they surmount, have their own boundaries. And they differ from person to person. What’s OK for them may certainly not be OK for me. 
 
OK so how does this relate to you? If you feel resentment towards something or feel too accommodating, perhaps in a relationship, I invite you to look at how you are setting your boundaries. Below, I offer you a few ways to think about boundary-setting.    
 
1.  Realize when something is off.
 
Oftentimes, when we can tune into when something does or doesn’t feel right in a relationship, situation or interaction, that is a sign that we know a boundary needs to be set. Perhaps it is the colleague suffering from a compulsion to make snarky comments that make you feel bad. Or perhaps it’s that friend that always flakes out on a plan at the last minute, leaving you high and dry (and annoyed). Again. If it doesn’t feel right to you, chances are you need to look at it and set a boundary with that person, thing or relationship.
 
2.  Name it.
 
If something doesn’t feel right or feels off, name what feels off. Is it a value that is being stepped on? Is too much being asked of you? Are you feeling overly accommodating in a relationship? If you can name exactly what it is that feels off to you, then you will be more empowered to know exactly what boundary you need to set. An extreme example: I have a friend who abruptly ends calls with her friends the minute she feels her energy is being sapped. Though this is an example of a more extreme boundary, it’s a boundary nonetheless, and she’s clear with herself what’s not OK for her. (I like to use extreme examples because they are easier to remember). 
 
3.  Communicate…or not.
 
Sometimes, setting boundaries requires clear communication with someone, and sometimes you can set boundaries without having to communicate at all, simply by changing your behavior. My favorite segue I learned from one of my coaches for communicating a boundary is simply to say: “X,Y,Z doesn’t/didn’t work for me. Here’s what does.” Boom - A simple and powerful way to get your boundary across without sounding needy or complaining. 
 
4.  Set your boundary.
 
I had friends that would religiously cancel plans on a whim at the last minute. It would drive me nuts, as I would have blocked off time for them in my schedule only to have them cancel, and it would be too late for me to make other plans. Here’s what I say now: “Just want to confirm our plans for tomorrow. Let me know by X PM if we are a go.” That way, it gives them the out to cancel, and if they do, I have sufficient time to plan something else.    
 
Be kind to yourself. Many of us didn’t come from backgrounds where it was appropriate to state and defend our boundaries, and so it is very difficult and scary for us to do so. If you sense something is up with someone—a partner, employee, friend, boss—don’t be afraid to ask into it, and create a safe space for people to share what’s up. Perhaps you might have crossed an unstated boundary without realizing it. Opening up vulnerable and authentic communication can help you both realize the boundaries that are important to you.
 
Where have you had to set better boundaries? How did you do it? 

 
When I was 20, I was bitten by the classical Indian music and dance bug. Before I knew it, I found myself with a one-way ticket out to Northern California to study with one of the last living masters* of Kathak. Kathak is a dance discipline made up of mathematically precise footwork, swift pirouettes and storytelling. Our teacher was always known for his speed and agility, training us with the utmost rigor and repetition. When people would visit the class, he would pride himself on how hard he’d work us, often pushing us, for example, to execute 108 swift pirouettes in a row without pause. At one point, I remember I spun so out of control I knocked over the halogen lamp in the Fulton and 3rd Ashram in San Francisco where we used to train.  Speed and fierceness were high values, and to just keep going, no matter what, was often the lesson. There were times we’d be on a roll, and nothing could stand in our way, egos flying high, adrenaline pumping from the percussive beats and all-around good workout. And then, he’d do the one thing that would completely fuck our shit up: He’d slow everything down.
 
All of a sudden, everything we had trained our bodies to do in relation to executing a composition at a certain speed went out the door. If I had to give you a surfing metaphor for what this was like, it was akin to surfing a thin, hollow wave over a pure reef break on a shortboard, feeling the split second stability of the board that a powerful wave might offer on takeoff, and then suddenly finding yourself on a completely different wave - one that is slow, flat, lazy, and weak, but having to surf with the same board - without being allowed to paddle. All of a sudden, with everything weaker and slower, the board feels wobbly in the weak surf. But now you need some type of precision and skill to make it work in those conditions.  
 
Deep inside, I knew this was my teacher’s way of truly testing how well we knew the compositions and how solid of a grasp we had of taal (rhythm), one of the defining virtues on which the whole classical North Indian music structure is based. If the tempo were slowed down, we really HAD to understand the composition, in a totally different way. We had to know precisely where each beat of the composition would land in the cycle of rhythm AND make conscious adjustments to the composition and relate it differently to the underlying rhythmic cycle. We suddenly needed to shift from unconscious competence into a space of being conscious of what we were doing. This required us to be ever more precise given the space of in-between we were now given. Aside from the “be prepared for what life may throw at you” lesson, there was another lesson in this, too.  First, a little neuroscience. 
 
Let’s start with brain waves. We have 5 known speeds of brain waves—beta, alpha, theta, delta and gamma. Whether we are mentally active, resting or asleep, our brain always has some level of electrical activity. Beta, for example, is where we function most of the day when we are “doing” something, like when we are in our task-positive network. Delta is our slowest wavelength, generated in dreamless sleep and in the deepest of meditation. As my coaching colleague pointed out, the slower our brain waves, the more time we have between thoughts (just as we have more time between beats in a composition when the tempo slows.) The more mindful we can be about our thoughts and actions, the more conscious we become of them. But wait! There’s more! --The slower the brain waves, the more the right and left hemispheres of the brain communicate! So when the tempo of life slows, it forces more awareness and consciousness AND, quite possibly, a more optimal environment for brain integration. I know - Holy Mother of Kali!    

In thinking about this lesson from classical Indian dance, I couldn’t help but wonder what we miss as leaders when we don’t slow down. By slowing down, we are literally allowing more space between thoughts and creating a more optimal internal environment for conscious, thoughtful decision making. In fact, if you think about it, slowness has virtues not just in the leadership realm. I recently decided to slow down my eating and to chew as much as possible, to consciously be aware of the food I was eating to nurture my body. As a result, my entire experience of eating changed. For one, I become fuller with less food AND I actually enjoy the food more, reveling in every bite and taste. I am also WAY more present to the eating experience.
 
I do not mean to say that speed doesn’t have its virtues, or that quick decisions are always bad, nor do I mean to imply to ignore our intuitive hits. However, to slow down a process while still maintaining balance and grace is something of an art. It requires awareness, consciousness and precision.  In the case of dance, it was the necessary training ground that would serve to distinguish the technique and ability of a dance practitioner from the nuances and subtleties of a well developed artist. 
 
Imagine what we’re missing when we’re always doing everything fast—from dating, to eating, to running a business, to surfing only fast waves, or dancing only fast compositions. We’re short-changing the many capabilities, perspectives and details the structure of our consciousness offers, limiting how we see, feel and experience the world around us. We’re missing out on this rich space of "in between", and on the insights that come from having to break something down we know so well, and to be in it from a totally difference reference point.   It’s no coincidence there is a surge of interest in Eastern traditions that have practices that slow us down. From yoga to meditation to, yes, classical Indian dance and music. These are not just new-agey, hippie-dippie things. We’re in a moment in our culture when we are actively seeking slow. In doing so, we are not just building optimal environments for better, more integrated brains, but, in my opinion, honing real leadership tools. 
 
So to leaders out there, I challenge you to slow things down, but to first start with slowing down your own thoughts. You may, in the end, make better decisions and contribute to a more conscious and mindful world. Where do you need to slow it down a notch?  What takes you to slow?