Not too long ago, my coaching world was full of robust leaders on their A-game, moving their teams towards new projects, programs and innovations.   In but a few weeks, these once burgeoning leaders have found themselves facing the bi-polaresque rollercoaster of quarantine, trying to keep themselves and their teams together, if even they still have a team, or a job, for that matter. 

Below I share some themes that have emerged in my coaching conversations with managers in the midst of COVID-19. Some ideas may seem counterintuitive. Most are based on an understanding of neuroscience with the goal of focusing on the whole person and helping to keep the brain and body in balance.

1.  Lower your expectations around productivity.

Yes, as anti-capitalist as this sounds, it’s essential at this time to restructure expectations around productivity.  For one, the work environment has changed so drastically for everyone. If people came into an office before and now they no longer have a steady work environment, there are so many more factors that could interrupt their productivity.  They may have kids at home.  They may be managing stressful relationship dynamics. They may even be a victim of domestic abuse.  Expecting the same level of productivity as you had before is unreasonable.

For this philosophy to really be effective, it has to be communicated from the top.  From there, the message will trickle down to managers and their teams.  If you are feeling pressured by your manager, that stress and pressure will bleed out to a team already feeling stress and so on and so forth.

2.  Manage people according to how over or under stimulated they are.

Amy Arnsten, a rad neuroscientist out of Yale University, has done very interesting research on the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC), the part of our brain responsible for higher executive functions such as planning, good decision-making and strategic thinking. The brain, being an energy efficient organ, always seeks to be in balance.  Arnsten’s research centers on how the PFC is balanced by two main neurotransmitters - norepinephrine (a fancy way of saying adrenaline) and dopamine.  To illustrate this, Arnsten created an upside down bell curve.  The right of the peak of the bell represents increasing stimulation in the brain.  The left of the beak of the bell represents decreasing stimulation.  The center of the bell curve represents optimal balance of the cortex with men falling slightly to the left as their default balanced state and women right in the center.  BeAbove Leadership furthered this research and translated it into  a coaching tool to help individuals understand where they might be on that curve at any given time. 

Using this coaching tool in my own practice, I have been seeing managers struggle with team members being on opposite ends of the curve.  In other words, their team members are either falling too far to the right and are completely over stimulated and out of balance, or too far to the left and completely under stimulated.  No matter which side they fluctuate to, THE COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENTS ARE THE SAME:  poor decision-making, foggy thinking, and lack of empathy to name a few.

Take mental note of where each of your team members are on the imaginary bell curve.  Team members with kids often are falling to the far right on the curve.  For them, it is important to figure out a way to reduce their load and have less expectations for their work.  For team members with less stimulation, the challenge is to induce more goal directed behavior to increase the dopamine and adrenaline to help bring them up to balance.  Goal directed management can mean setting weekly targets or goals for them adjusted to their work situation in the event their longer term goals are on hold due to lockdown.  You can check in with them on those targets or set up accountability structures for them with their other colleagues.  This way they can work together and check in on whether they have been able to accomplish a goal or project.

Helping your employees to regulate their PFC now may be the best preventative step to ensuring they don’t come back to the “new normal” drained, exhausted and out of balance.  

3.  Create certainty where you can.  Offer rewards.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is released IN ANTICIPATION of a reward. In other words, if someone has something to look forward to, like a trip, it’s a dopamine inducer. Once the reward is received, dopamine levels go down.  Need convincing?  Check out Robert Sapolsky, Standford Professor of Biology and Primatology’s  lecture on dopamine here.

Wonder why people are struggling so much to even get work done? Projects once moving forward are now on hold indefinitely.  Dates can no longer be set in stone.  There is an unknown as to when the lockdown will effectively end.  A stake cannot be put into the ground.  There is nothing to look forward to.  No dopamine.  Again, this leads to imbalance in the PFC.

Understand that without firm dates, or concrete things to work towards or ANTICIPATE, there is less dopamine. Think of what you can focus on that is concrete or set in stone.   Perhaps smaller projects can be created.  Perhaps you can game-ify a project and offer a small reward to your team if they successfully complete it.

It’s important to note that some team members may need a high risk, almost impossible challenge, to elevate their dopamine levels, especially if they are highly capable and super under stimulated.  For others, it could be more of a structured call to action where as a task is accomplished, there is some type of reward, or acknowledgement.

What could your team be in anticipation of that actually can occur on some concrete date at some concrete time in the near future?  Is there a reward you can offer them that they may get if the project or task is done?

4.  Practice empathy.  Be inquisitive.

Putting yourself in the shoes of your team members will go a long way in the future towards a workforce who is already struggling with brain dysregulation.  The ability to empathize is really an ability to try to feel what your team member is feeling. What’s it like to homeschool 3 kids if you only have to worry about one (or none!).  Have no idea?  A simple inquiry asking them what it is like for them to be where they are at, can bring you tremendous insight. And understand there may be unspoken dynamics they may not be at liberty to share with you, including domestic abuse, existing mental health issues that may be exacerbated by lockdown, and even addiction issues. Asking into your team’s situation is important.  Here are a few check-in questions you can use that may prompt some deeper conversation.  I send these to my own clients before our coaching sessions as a check-in.  Recently one of the managers I coach said she used these as check-in questions with her team, which resulted in very productive conversations:

·      What have you accomplished since our last meeting?

·      What did you want to get done but didn’t?

·      What feels most challenging this week?

·      What are you connecting with most this week?

·      How are you feeling?

·      What are you noticing about yourself?

5.  Create small ways to appreciate your team.

There is a host of neuroscience literature written on the benefits of feeling and expressing gratitude and its correlation to happiness.  Appreciation can take the form of words of affirmation, actions, or gifts.  It might even be worth it to ask your team members how they like to be appreciated in this time.  Appreciation can even be stated in honoring everyone that shows up to an online team meeting when they usually are done in person.  Early on in the lockdown, one of the managers I coach planned to parcel small gifts to her team members, just to let them know she appreciates them.  Even better if you can send something from a local small business to your team, to support the local economy and let your team know you really value them during this time.

The strategies I’ve shared above came out of actual coaching sessions with managers I worked with during COVID-19, all of whom were adhering to shelter in place in the United States.  I encourage managers as well as executive leadership to utilize these coaching themes in the next phases of the Coronavirus pandemic to mitigate the mental and physical impacts of the quarantine. 

When I was about five or six years old, I was with my family in a New Jersey mall, perusing the aisles of a card shop.  The next thing I remember, I could not find my family anywhere; they had left the shop without me.  I remember walking outside of the shop in a daze, trying to figure out where they went. I eyed the entrances of the stores nearby as well as the walkways, but still nothing.  My body froze, as if time slowed down.  My throat tightened and my vision narrowed.  I could only see what was immediately in front of me. I began to walk in and out of the adjoining stores, holding back tears as I felt a surge of panic come over my body.  
 
I don’t remember how long I was lost for, but I eventually reached a shop, went in and found them there browsing items of the store. I casually walked towards them, fighting back my tears at the shame of being forgotten and left.  I surreptitiously inserted myself back into the scene, as if nothing had ever happened.  I think it was more traumatic for me that they realized I was never missing in the first place.  Anything could have happened. I could have wandered into the hands of the wrong person.  The thought of that was terrifying.
 
Unfortunately, this same trauma would be re-triggered through my teenage years.  My mother would forget regularly to pick me up from appointments.  Sometimes I would find myself waiting outside alone at night for her to come.  As this happened, my body would move into a freeze.  I would find myself hardly able to speak.  Instead of showing concern and remorse, my mother would lash out in anger at me, like adding salt to a wound. Every time I was forgotten, it would take me back to being that lost child in the mall.
 
In the field of all the possible traumatic and God-awful things that happen to children, this may seem inconsequential.  My point in sharing this particular story is how a trauma from childhood can so fundamentally alter the nervous system response for decades of life, and show up in our relationships and in our leadership. 
 
Our bodies keep score of our traumas. Subconsciously, we will keep recreating traumas in our lives until we heal them.  My storybook is filled with endless tales of abandonment, mostly from choosing friends and sometimes lovers with which the wounds would be recreated.  So how did I start to mend this wound that does not seem to go away?  First, some context:
 
Our brains are wired for safety, connection and respect.  The nervous system will do what it knows to feel safe. And when we don’t feel safe, connected or respected, we adapt accordingly into a fight, flight or freeze response. 
 
So the trick is to open ourselves up to finding a different response to our trauma.  But it’s not as easy as it sounds.  
 
What I learned is that your body has to literally FEEL it.  Your nervous system has to actually FEEL another option is viable.  Else you will just default down a past response pattern.

In my case, my challenge was to pattern a different response than just to shut down and go into fight, flight or freeze.  As an example, a friend of mine unexpectedly abandoned me when I was in a most vulnerable state with my health. My nervous system went on overload. The tears flowed.  I wanted to hide.   After days of self-consolation, I told myself, “this is partly my trauma and I have to own it.”  And I did the following:
 
1.  I changed the way I looked at what was happening.  I told myself my nervous system was on overload and is doing it’s damned best to protect me from harm.  What this reframing did was to cut out the shame of my response.  It allowed me to embrace my biological wiring to respond to the trauma; even if it’s not the response I had wanted to have.  In short, I had compassion for myself and the young part of me that was hurting. 
 
2.  I gave myself context.  When you are a child, something can feel so traumatic because you lack the context to understand why it may have happened.  As adults, we have the benefit of understanding context. In my case, I stopped internalizing other people’s behaviors to make it mean something about me.  Instead, I started to understand it was more about them.  This was transformative growth for me.  
 
3.  I got present to what I was feeling physically.  In working with a somatic coach, I got help to become present to what I was feeling. One thing I noticed was that my gums would get sore – really sore, likely from the inflammation of whatever stress hormones were being released into my system thinking about the incident. As well, one of the defining things about my particular trauma is the loss of my voice. I am unable to talk or express myself in the moment.  With her skilled help, we explored finding a more grounded feeling in the body, and then exploring how I might respond from the space and place of feeling grounded.  It has been one of the most transformative moments for me in my own healing.  [1]
 
4.  I practiced.  Practice makes perfect.  When we are re-patterning new ways to respond to old wounds that get triggered in us, repetition is our friend.  Perhaps the universe will keep recreating the wound for us until we get that response pattern as a strongly defined neural superhighway in our brain.
 
The legacy of our childhood traumas shows up in us as adults and consequently, as leaders.  We may not always be aware of what part of our life experience comes into play in our present moments.  Being brave enough to name and delve into our traumas and heal them can result in more freedom, better relationships and better leadership down the road. 


[1] I do not write to insist coaching is the answer to healing all childhood traumas that show up in us as adults.  Certainly there are traumas so grave that require very different types of long term therapy. Many of my clients work with other providers in conjunction with their coaching to assist them with healing past traumas.    

One of my surfing friends in California told me earlier this year I had to check out a little town called St. Jean De Luz in Basque Country, France.  In addition to being a quaint Basque town, there is a wave there that breaks on a particular swell.  So, in November, I made my way towards St. Jean De Luz and the surf break with some friends. As I walked down the beach at sunset taking in all the beautiful colors and reflection of the sky and the water, I realized I had seen this place before.

I used to do a meditation a few years ago where I’d imagine a scene somewhere in Europe.  I wasn’t exactly sure where it was but it could have been coastal Italy.  There were old buildings cascading the coastline overlooking a bay that had tiny rolling waves in it.  I’d imagine myself in the sunset bobbing up and down in the water, taking in the view.  The picture I had envisioned in my mind’s eye from this meditation was now here right in front of me.  I almost couldn’t believe it.
 
The subconscious mind has a way of directing us to shape our reality.  Our mind has a sort of internal GPS, if you will. For this reason, I cannot stress enough the importance of vision and reflection.  When we reflect on experiences, we move memories from one area of the brain to another, which helps us use those experiences towards making larger contextual decisions in our lives.  So, in the spirit of vision, I wanted to share some tips and tools with you for your own year-end vision and self-reflection.  These are tips and tools I’ve picked up from my own processes and from coaches I have worked with personally.   They can be used for yourself, and also as a fun exercise with your teams. 

These are from coach and colleague Cynthia Sumner of True Nature

1. What do you want to recognize, acknowledge, and celebrate about yourself in 2018?  / What do you want to recognize, acknowledge and celebrate about your contributions to the team in 2018?
2. Who did you have to be, (how did you show up), in order for these things to happen?
3. What do you want to be celebrating at the end of 2019? What do you want to feel like?
4. What is it time to let go of for 2019? 
5. What are the most important theme/ themes for you to honor in 2019?
6. What would a successful life at the end of 2019 look like? 
   

Write down each of these areas of your life.  For each one, rank how fulfilled you feel on a scale of 0-10 next to each area.  Zero means it is non-existent in your life.  10 means you are completely fulfilled with that area.  Then, write about that area and what made you choose the number you did.

1. Career
2. Family
   
3. Friends
4. Significant Other/ Romance
5. Fun/ Recreation
6. Health
7. Money
8. Personal Growth
   
9. Physical Environment   

Next, for each area, set an intention for yourself for the New Year.  What intention would you have to set for each area to raise the number at least 1 point?  Take, for example, the category of friends.  I will give myself a 7. Why? This year has been about deepening existing connections with my friends, and opening more space to celebrate with my friends.  It has also been about making new friends and connections on my travels without losing connection to my friends at home.  It has also been about leaning on friends, and feeling grateful for my connections with them.

The intention I’d like to set for 2019 for my friends is to be generous.   I want to deepen my connection with friends through increased generosity with my time and resources.  Got the picture?  Great!  Do this for each category.

Want to use this as a reflective end of year practice with your team?  Try these categories instead, taken from a professional wheel of life tool created by The Coaches Training Institute:

1. Success in working across departments/ divisions
2. Career
3. Generating Results
4. Relationship with manager and team
   
5. Work/life balance
6. Personal well being
7. Time Management
8. Organization
   

Have them rate each area in terms of how fulfilled they feel on a scale of 1-10.  Ask them to share what made them pick the numbers they did.  Ask them what are one or two areas they would like to try to raise their number for next year.  Then, ask them what action they would need to take to make that happen.  And voila!  You have a little coaching for your team members. You’ll probably find it a lot of fun to reflect with them in this way. 

Though this is optional to the process, I’d just like to stress how powerful it is to move vision from thoughts and written words to images.  There is something powerful about an image that the brain can really grasp onto.

Gather images and words from magazines and clippings, or other art that appeals to you. Images can include family pictures, quotes, and other meaningful things too (that you don’t mind gluing).  Don’t think too much about it.  Just go with your gut and do what feels easy and FUN! For magazines and visuals, consider going to your local library. Invest in nice paper from an art supply store. Consider using paper with textures and designs. DO NOT be stingy with your vision board. Think of this as a piece of art you are creating for your space, home or office, one that will invite discussion and curiosity from friends, family, co-workers, or employees who may visit you. 
 
You may also want to do this with your team as a fun exercise.  Get out the art supplies and have a fun session helping people create visuals for the intention and vision they’d like to set for themselves in your business or organization for 2019. 
 
Most importantly, have fun!  Here’s to starting the year with intention and clarity!

It occurred to me the other month that almost every executive leader I know has faced a meltdown at some point in their leadership. Whether it was the nonprofit executive who wept at the daunting task of rebuilding her organization’s entire staff (for like, the 10th time), the small business owner being harassed and taken to court due to a business partnership gone sour, or a financial faux pas leaving the leader of a firm to manage an embarrassing deficit—shit happens. At some point in our human journeys, the systems, pressure, responsibilities, financial anxiety and just sheer workload become too much for people to take, making it impossible for us to hold it all together.     
 
In fact, I’m pretty convinced that, until you’ve had a meltdown, (or two, or three) you haven’t yet experienced the true weight of executive leadership. It’s almost like it’s a necessary hazing for effective leadership. But is it? Why do meltdowns happen? To understand them, let’s look at a bit of neuroscience. 
 
The Neuroscience of a Meltdown
 
Think resilience. The brain is designed to be self-regulating and energy efficient, and seeks a state of balance. When we are too stressed and our brains are on overload, as I wrote about in “Stress and the Leadership Brain,” we get large releases of norepinephrine and dopamine, the two main chemicals that balance out the prefrontal cortex, the seat of our higher executive functions. And we get releases of cortisol, an inflammatory, stress-induced hormone. As a result, the prefrontal cortex gets knocked out of balance, if you will, resulting  in symptoms like lack of empathy, inability to regulate impulses, foggy thinking, poor decision-making and poor memory. In short, our brain’s natural ability to regulate gets thrown off because it is out of balance chemically. Hence, the breakdowns and inability to humanly manage it all. Literally, you are overloaded and your regulating mechanisms are compromised. So, what can you do to keep your head above water and prevent a meltdown?    
 
1. Share power. 
 
We usually think about leadership as one captain solely responsible for where a ship will sail.  The lone ranger paving the way. By not sharing power, you hold on to more than you can perhaps manage. Your own need to control starts to actually hamper you. Trust me—I’ve been one of those leaders who needed to have personal oversight of everything. Sharing power frees your brain up to take on other things, and builds a sense of buy-in and accountability to results. Of course, the art of this for any leader is figuring out how much to let go and share and how much to retain continued oversight. This is a balance that can only be achieved with your willingness to accept the inevitable mistakes people around you might make in your absence, and trusting that lessons will be learned from those mistakes. Sharing, coupled with a growth mindset of learning from trial and error, is a crucial element in helping leaders manage stress that can lead to meltdowns.    
 
2. Be more vulnerable. 
 
“I love being vulnerable, because it’ so comfortable and pleasing to the soul and gets you what you want,” said NO ONE EVER. As tough as vulnerability can feel in our culture, where it is often perceived as weakness, it’s a fallacy of leadership that you as the leader have to always solve for everything. Actually, the more you can admit you don’t know HOW to do something, the more it will free you from obligating yourself to fix it. And that means more brain space for other things (remember what we’re going for here—realistic goals and workloads that don’t send your brain into unhealthy overdrive). It will also give other team members the opportunity to chime in with their expertise. By simply saying “I don’t know” and showing a little vulnerability, you invite in new ideas, perspectives and perhaps a collective way of finding solutions to a problem vs. being the lone ranger needing to fix it. (Note lone ranger reference now twice in this post.)   
 
3. Put a stake in the ground. 
 
Remember that old game where a stake with ribbons attached is driven into the ground, and each child would get ahold of a piece of ribbon and frolic around the stake and weave between one another creating a sort of braid around the stake?  That’s what I mean here. Defining a stake means that you and your leaders are passionately committed to “dancing around” it and holding it in place. For example, the stake could be quality. It could be integrity. It could be creating community.  Whatever you define the stake to be, clarify what it is for your company, or any project, or collaboration. It will help you and your team keep focused so you don’t veer off and start leading into things that do not relate back to the stake, thereby overloading your plate with things other thank the stake, no pun intended. 
 
4. Have someone to talk to. 
 
Getting outside support and having someone to talk with on a regular basis can also help you manage overload. Becoming more present to emotions, naming them, feeing them, creates greater integration and resilience. We are constantly regulating one another’s nervous systems. Ever talk with a person suffering from extreme anxiety and find yourself leaving the conversation feeling anxious wanting to ventilate into a paper bag? Ever come across someone who is as calm as a lake and, next thing you know, you get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and feel the calmness within you? (This has to do with a concept called sense of self, but that topic is for another post.) So if you are on overload, find calming people to talk with—those whose energy can help to have a positive regulatory effect on your nervous system is key.
 
5. Invest in people and grow the leadership around you. 
 
Leaders fill gaps. And well, when the going gets tough and things start slipping through your leadership cracks, you will be thankful there are people around you who have the leadership skills to fill in those cracks. If you are just surrounded by followers of your word, you will be overwhelmed—all the time. Investing in growing leadership capabilities of those around you and giving up some of your power can better ensure gaps are filled when shit hits the fan. And I promise you this—shit WILL hit the fan. Investment means taking time to coach and mentor people in your organization. If you don’t have the time, hire external coaches, send your team members to a good quality leadership immersion program, or give them more responsibilities and coach them to succeed. Your biggest assets are your people.  Having strong people around you will help you manage the load better.
 
What did you learn from your leadership meltdown?   If you had to do it all over again, what advice would you give? 

I come from a background where it was not encouraged for women to set healthy boundaries. In the nonprofit cultures of my time, very much influenced by baby boomer culture, I saw people literally contorting themselves to make things happen.  They had minimal resources to try to accomplish things that did not seem humanly possible. Best of luck if you tried to set healthy boundaries in these cultures. Doing so often resulted in subtle backlash from those that saw themselves as "truly" fighting the fight. Unfortunately, this dynamic quickly led to burnout, resentment and unhealthy work cultures.
 
Learning to set my own boundaries has been one of the most enlightening things. It has also been one of the hardest. Brené Brown, the world’s top vulnerability researcher, said something very profound once about boundaries. She said simply that in all her research, she’s found that the most boundaried people were also the most compassionate. In her book Rising Strong, she makes the case for setting boundaries and posits that resentment comes from giving up our power unwillingly.  If the world’s most renowned researcher on vulnerability is telling us this, then why does it feel so hard to find it in the surf–life metaphor? Can you still be one who goes with the flow and also be a little “square” and set boundaries?
 
Life is like a wave. Ride it. Expect ups and downs. OK. Got that. 
 
If you don’t like the wave, change your equipment (i.e., your internal surfboard) or get off the wave. OK. Check. Already made that metaphor once.
 
And, oh yeah: Learn to recognize and set boundaries to have a more fulfilling life.  Umm, hold up! Exactly how does that translate into my sea of oceanic metaphors? A buoy? Filling up a plastic pool with ocean water? Isn’t this some Western, man-made, left-brained concept? How do you overlay the concept of boundary onto something that has flow at the core of its philosophy? The more I explored this boundary stuff, I realized even the coolest of cool cultures (e.g., surf culture) sets boundaries ALL THE TIME.   
 
Most surfers go online now to check surf and ocean conditions through sites that list current and predicted surf conditions.  These are based on a number of factors like wind, buoy readings etc. When it gets big, as in double to triple overhead in a Northern California report, you often find the reporter ending their summary with the following: “Be safe and know your limits,” a fair warning to surfers that conditions may warrant a particular degree of experience and skill. It occurred to me that when we look at that report, or scan conditions of the ocean ourselves, we are making a conscious decision of whether to go or not to go, taking steps to protect our safety. And that’s when it all made sense to me:
 
The concept of exercising boundaries is actually more about accessing your own internal wisdom, listening and getting clear with what you are or are OK or not OK with in a situation, or relationship. It’s less about anything tangible at all.
 
As surfers, we set boundaries all the time (well, at least I do). In a culture where it’s rewarded to keep pushing the boundaries on things, it’s no wonder why we as people have a hard time setting them in normal life. After all, boundaries don’t sound particularly sexy—they are the opposite of edgy. They’re very square. But they are so necessary to living and leading in a healthy way. Even extreme athletes, for all they surmount, have their own boundaries. And they differ from person to person. What’s OK for them may certainly not be OK for me. 
 
OK so how does this relate to you? If you feel resentment towards something or feel too accommodating, perhaps in a relationship, I invite you to look at how you are setting your boundaries. Below, I offer you a few ways to think about boundary-setting.    
 
1.  Realize when something is off.
 
Oftentimes, when we can tune into when something does or doesn’t feel right in a relationship, situation or interaction, that is a sign that we know a boundary needs to be set. Perhaps it is the colleague suffering from a compulsion to make snarky comments that make you feel bad. Or perhaps it’s that friend that always flakes out on a plan at the last minute, leaving you high and dry (and annoyed). Again. If it doesn’t feel right to you, chances are you need to look at it and set a boundary with that person, thing or relationship.
 
2.  Name it.
 
If something doesn’t feel right or feels off, name what feels off. Is it a value that is being stepped on? Is too much being asked of you? Are you feeling overly accommodating in a relationship? If you can name exactly what it is that feels off to you, then you will be more empowered to know exactly what boundary you need to set. An extreme example: I have a friend who abruptly ends calls with her friends the minute she feels her energy is being sapped. Though this is an example of a more extreme boundary, it’s a boundary nonetheless, and she’s clear with herself what’s not OK for her. (I like to use extreme examples because they are easier to remember). 
 
3.  Communicate…or not.
 
Sometimes, setting boundaries requires clear communication with someone, and sometimes you can set boundaries without having to communicate at all, simply by changing your behavior. My favorite segue I learned from one of my coaches for communicating a boundary is simply to say: “X,Y,Z doesn’t/didn’t work for me. Here’s what does.” Boom - A simple and powerful way to get your boundary across without sounding needy or complaining. 
 
4.  Set your boundary.
 
I had friends that would religiously cancel plans on a whim at the last minute. It would drive me nuts, as I would have blocked off time for them in my schedule only to have them cancel, and it would be too late for me to make other plans. Here’s what I say now: “Just want to confirm our plans for tomorrow. Let me know by X PM if we are a go.” That way, it gives them the out to cancel, and if they do, I have sufficient time to plan something else.    
 
Be kind to yourself. Many of us didn’t come from backgrounds where it was appropriate to state and defend our boundaries, and so it is very difficult and scary for us to do so. If you sense something is up with someone—a partner, employee, friend, boss—don’t be afraid to ask into it, and create a safe space for people to share what’s up. Perhaps you might have crossed an unstated boundary without realizing it. Opening up vulnerable and authentic communication can help you both realize the boundaries that are important to you.
 
Where have you had to set better boundaries? How did you do it? 

Sleep is One of the Five Pillars of Neuroplasticity
 
Sleep may be just one of the most underrated things in leadership. Last fall, I began an experimental neuroscience intensive, with 8 other coaches around the country led by Ann Betz, the Research Director of BeAbove Leadership, an organization that has spent the past 15 years researching and teaching the intersectionality of neuroscience, consciousness and coaching.  We come together a few times a month to discuss scientific research, popular articles, scientific lectures and talks on neuroscience to better understand and enhance our work as coaches. We spent a month on the topic of neuroplasticity, which, simply put, is the ability of the brain to rewire itself. Sleep is one of the pillars of neuroplasticity, without which it is very difficult to make and maintain neuroplastic changes in the brain. Just think about trying to exercise and build new muscles without eating any protein—it would be very difficult to do. As protein is essential for building and maintaining muscle, sleep is essential for building neuroplasticity. Here are some interesting things that fascinated me about sleep that I’d like to share with you! 
 
Sleep Flushes out Brain Toxins 
 
Between the 7th and 9th hour of sleep, our brain releases cerebrospinal fluid, a clear liquid surrounding the brain and spinal cord that cleans out toxins from the brain, and sorts through memories that are deemed important.[1] This is one of the reasons I recommend my clients get at least 7 hours of sleep every night, to get the cleaning in to create an optimal environment for brain rewiring via neuroplasticity. Think about it—what happens when you withhold yourself from going to the bathroom? Not great for your intestines at all. When you are not sleeping well, you may be doing that same thing to your brain.   
 
Sleep Helps the Brain Replenish Neurotransmitters
 
According to James B. Maas, PhD, and author of “Power Sleep,” the brain replenishes neurotransmitters during REM sleep.[2] Neurotransmitters are simply chemical messengers that enable neuron-to-neuron communication. He says these neurotransmitters are essential for remembering, learning, performance and problem solving. Remember, REM sleep happens in the 6th–8th hour of sleep, so yet another case for getting 7 hours of sleep a night. Think about it: do you want a filthy brain with rusty neurotransmitters that aren’t able to communicate well? Likely NOT going to help you in your leadership very much. 
 
Sleep Helps Store Memories
 
When we sleep, the brain stores information in long-term memory through sleep spindles. These are short bursts of brain waves of strong frequencies that occur during REM sleep. REM takes place toward the end of the night, between the 6th–8th hour of sleep, when people are more likely to dream. During REM sleep, Maas says “the brain transfers short-term memories in the motor cortex to the temporal lobe to become long-term memories”.2 He goes on to say that this process can be particularly helpful for storing information related to motor tasks so that these tasks become automatic. So if you are keen on improving your gold swing, get a good night’s sleep.   

Sleep Deprivation Exacerbates our Fight-or-Flight “Animal” Brain[3]
 
When we don’t get enough sleep, the body interprets this as stress. As a result, our sympathetic nervous system gets activated and induces a metabolic reaction of the body to stress.[4] When this system is activated, norepinephrine and cortisol are released in the body and there is increased amygdala activity. This contributes to sleep disruption, which leads to more sympathetic nervous system activation and more sleep loss.
 
Sleep Deprivation Contributes to Negative Moods
 
Published studies on sleep deprivation date back to 1896. Since then, there have been numerous studies on the effects of sleep deprivation on human performance, feelings and cognition. What the science has found is that all kinds of sleep deprivation—whether long-term or partial—result in negative moods. The most common feelings are of fatigue, loss of vigor, sleepiness and confusion.[5]
 
So, What are My Recommended Best Practices for Sleep? 
 
When we sleep, the brain solves problems. So, an effective strategy for sleeping better at night may be to prime yourself for relaxation. Don’t focus on thinking about a problem or something to solve before you go to sleep, as your brain will try to work on that during the night. Instead, try reading poetry, getting lost in a romance novel, listening to soothing music or even doing art. Do something where you are not trying to problem- solve. 
 
Focus on getting at least 7 hours of sleep each night. Given that cerebrospinal fluid is released in the brain during REM sleep, it is important to get enough sleep to activate your brain’s natural cleansing system. If you are one of those people who can function on very limited sleep, it may be possible that you enter into REM sleep sooner, and thus feel more rested. 
 
I remember after surfing one of the most powerful (and scariest) waves I had ever been on in Indonesia. It was difficult for me to sleep for that night, likely due to the chemicals coursing through my body and my sympathetic nervous system being turned on. My dopamine levels I’m sure were off the charts. If you are a thrill seeker by day, try listening to soothing music or an audio meditation to calm your system. A Yin, or slow-moving yoga practice at night can also calm your nervous system making it more ready for calm and rest. Meditation and focused breathing also help reduce amygdala activity.
 
In short, making sure you get a healthy amount of sleep each night should help with negative moods, reduce amygdala activation (less fight-or-flight), help you store long-term memories and organize networks in your brain that are essential for problem-solving, learning and performance. 
 
Where have you struggled with sleep? What strategies have you used to improve your quality of sleep?
 
Note:  Thank you to my Neuroscience Intensive coaching colleagues for their time and work compiling and sharing research on neuroplasticity, and in particular to Ursula Pottinga of BeAbove Leadership for her compilation of research on neuroscience and sleep used to help write this post. 

[1] NIH Research Matters, How Sleep Clears the Brain. October 28, 2013.  https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/how-sleep-clears-brain

[2] “Strengthen Your Brain by Resting It.” American Psychological Association, Mark Greer, July/August 2004, Vol 35, No. 7.

[3] “Can a Lack of Sleep Cause Psychiatric Disorders?” Scientific American, Nikhil Swaminathan, October 23, 2007. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-a-lack-of-sleep-cause/

[4] “Sleep Deprivation: Impact on Cognitive Performance.” Paula Alhola, and Päivi Polo-Kantola. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656292/
 
[5] Neurocognitive Consequences of Sleep Deprivation, Jeffrey S. Durmer, M.D., Ph.D., and David F. Dinges, Ph.D. 

The Neuroscience of Stress

Everyone needs a “just right” amount of arousal chemicals for optimal functioning of the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the area of the brain responsible for our executive functioning, including thoughtful decision-making and planning for the future, among other things.

Picture a bell curve. To the right of the curve is increased stress / stimulation, and to the left of the curve is decreased stress / stimulation. Our cortex is regulated by two main chemicals (dopamine and norepinephrine) and becomes stimulated (or not) based on the task at hand.  When we are alert and interested, we get the right amount of chemical release. But when we are stressed and out of control, we get BIG releases of these chemicals.  All the connections in this part of the brain become dysfunctional, engaging other kinds of receptors that actually impair prefrontal cortex function. The impact of being over-stimulated or under-stimulated results in the SAME cognitive impairment of the brain: foggy thinking, poor memory, lack of empathy, inability to regulate impulses.  As well, chronic stress results in actual architectural changes in the cortex.  You actually start losing dendrites, a branched part of a neuron involved in cell to cell electrochemical stimulation. Stress is VERY real, and actually has the ability to alter the structural make up of your brain. Cray, eh?
 
So what does this have to do with YOU? Behavior from the top trickles down to your team, so if you are a stressed leader and not taking care of yourself, how can you possibly model good behavior to your colleagues and employees? Moreover, as a leader, you need to be able to access your brain when it is at its best (in balance).  When you are overstressed or under-stimulated, you don’t get optimal executive functioning. Below, I share some strategies for managing stress and getting your PFC closer to balance or “online” as we coaches like to say. 
 
Name Your Emotions

According to BeAbove Leadership, an organization specializing in the intersectionality of neuroscience, consciousness and leadership, “research shows that simply naming an emotion reduces amygdala activity.” This is one of the reasons I listen to my clients and try to help them name the emotions that they are feeling. Often, a client will show up at a session experiencing a whole host of different feelings. After listening very carefully to them, I often reflect what it is I hear them saying, and then attempt to name an emotion. I will say, “it sounds like ‘guilt’ or it sounds like ‘grief,’” and in doing that, it helps them make sense of their own emotions. If I’m not right on with the emotion, it’s the opportunity for them to say, for example, “no, actually it’s not guilt; it’s more ambivalence.”

Journaling how you are feeling each day can also markedly help with stress management; simply waking up in the morning and taking 10 minutes to write down how you are feeling that day can help you process stressful feelings when you don’t have an empathetic listener. 
 
Reframe Your Perspective

Shifting and reframing your perspective is one way to effectively reduce stress. I once left a coaching session feeling a bit stunned. My “inner child” wanted to flee. A client who was feeling a lot of anger in his life had taken it out on me by yelling at me and insulting the coaching profession. I left feeling as if I had failed, and the experience had me questioning my coaching abilities. The “stun” was my fight or flight. In that moment, my prefrontal cortex got (PFC) stressed, and I had very little access to it, as it was flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine.

After some introspection and self-coaching, I was able to reframe this session as a gift instead of an utter disaster. Though it felt stressful for me, my client had triggered something that reminded me of how some people would lash out at me for things when I was growing up, thereby stimulating a very emotional response and memory to the stressor. And this made me feel worthless. So in bringing up this feeling again was an opportunity to heal it, to use my PFC to think more about it and to calm my stress response and self-manage through difficult to be with emotions. Moreover, I realized that my client felt safe enough to express his anger with me.  Following that we had a breakthrough session and he showed up ready and willing to be coached.  Taking the time to think and reframe a stressful event can help build a new neural pathway to thinking about a situation, and bring the PFC back online to help you make sense of your own emotions. 
 
Practice Focus and Attention

The data from studies relating to focus and attention just gets more and more fascinating, particularly around meditation. It’s not just “new-agey stuff.” Studies show that meditation changes the composition of the brain.

Long-term meditators have increased amounts of grey matter in parts of the brain associated with sensory functions, and they also have more grey matter in the PFC. Some studies indicate that meditation also reduces the size of the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight or flight “freeze” response of the brain and strengthens the brain region responsible for processing information related to people perceived as being different front you (our seat of empathy).

What’s this got to do with stress? Well, the data suggests that meditation builds more “good” types of connections in the brain, to help it become more resilient to stress. So with more focus and attention, you can build your resilience and have stronger connections between the logical and empathetic areas of your higher executive functioning brain and your limbic system, making you more resilient to stress. 
 
Make a Powerful Choice

When you are out of balance on the curve, sometimes it requires you to make some lifestyle choices, and sometimes it requires you to make powerful choices. The difference between just making a choice and a POWERFUL choice is that there is often more at stake with the powerful choice. A powerful choice might feel more difficult to make because the consequences of the choice are so life-changing that it is too scary to think about removing the source of the stress.  Powerful choices often require courage, as in the event of choosing to quit a job, get out of a toxic relationship, or simply to just stop doing something. 
 
Lastly, our PFC and the relevant chemical release  is proportional to the task at hand.  While some might feel a little stimulation from something and it feels like a good amount of stimulation, for others it can provoke a much stronger chemical response and overload the PFC with chemicals. What tips and strategies have you picked up along the way to manage your stress? When you are feeling like you want to “fight or flee,” how have you gotten your PFC back online to where things feel just right?

Let’s start with morning rituals. In the past year-and-a-half, I developed a morning ritual consisting of meditation, journaling and consciously assessing on a scale of 1-10 how happy I wake up on that day (10 being completely blissed out to the max, and 0 at a basic level of hopelessness). This may seem excessive and even weird, I know. (Those of you who really know me know that I am a little weird anyway!)  But in the discipline of coaching, self care actually becomes a critical ally for being available and offering yourself at your highest level in service to your clients. That is the reason I focus on how I feel each morning so much. 
 
Anyway, the process has trained me to be more aware of how I’m feeling in the moment. It has helped me to reflect on the circumstances, relationships or events that made me choose that number on a daily basis. This self-reflection, along with spending the past 4 years constantly reading up on the latest neuroscience research on happiness, inspired me to share my insights about happiness. Why is it that so many people who seemingly have everything – a thriving business, millions of dollars in the bank, a seemingly stable relationship – still rank low on their happiness index? What REALLY makes us happy? How can we bring more happiness into our lives? 
 
1.  Understand that your brain is plastic
 
Neuroplasticity is, simply put, the brain’s ability to change over time. And studies show we do actually have a happiness set point. In other words, no matter how much tragedy or what happens to us, we go back to a set point of happiness. (It’s the reason why, for example, there is no real change in one’s happiness set point before they win the lottery vs. after they win.)

Psychology says there are a few things you can do to increase your happiness baseline – namely, focusing on gratitude and service. Similarly, research shows that meditation grows areas in our brain associated with positivity (left hemisphere) and compassion (right hemisphere), which can also increase our happiness set point. In my experience, it IS possible to re-wire your happiness set point, if even just to give it a slight increase. So, start with the belief in your own neuroplasticity. Actually, it’s not just a belief - it’s neuroscience! 
 
2.  Feel the lows in order to feel the highs
 
Some days I have woken up and felt like a 7 in terms of happiness and have thought, Hey, I’m doing pretty good today.  And then upon further reflection, that same morning I could also be in touch with a deep sadness about something. How can we be profoundly happy and at the same time profoundly sad about something? As self-awareness increases, our ability to identify and feel two perhaps very distinct feelings at once also becomes heightened.  We become more aware of our integration. The sadness doesn’t trump my happiness per se, but they both exist in me at the same time.
 
Brené Brown, the touted TEDX speaker, was spot-on in her famous Ted Talk on vulnerability when she pointed out that when we suppress our negative emotions (depression, frustration, sadness, etc.), we end up suppressing the positive ones as well – joy, fulfillment, happiness. So to feel those high places, you absolutely need to take trips to the dark, deep, dank, hopeless emotions of your subconscious basement. I know – I hate going there as well … like HATE! But what I’ve discovered from being able to “be” with those hard emotions and to really feel the lows, is that it helped open up the space to experience the more positive emotions. Whether through coaching, group get-togethers, having an amazing friend with a keen ability to listen or even writing about these feelings, the more we can embrace this idea of feeling places that are not comfortable for us emotionally, the more we make space and open ourselves up to feeling the positive emotions of life. 
 
For example, I started journaling a few years back as part of my daily routine.  It helped pass so many feelings through me that today I don’t know what I would do without this journaling practice. I felt a visible improvement in my mood and happiness on a DAILY basis, simply from having daily self-reflection. Think of it like going to the bathroom; in the same way that you have to release stuff from your gut to clean out your system and make it available for more food and energy to process, reflection allows you to do the same cleaning with your brain.  Heh heh. :) 
 
3.  Hum (I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this one!)
 
For this, you need to know about the vagus nerve, our 10th cranial nerve. The vagus nerve is fascinating and stimulating (literally), as it is the only nerve that connects to every major organ in the human body. If you haven’t Googled “vagus nerve,” you absolutely should because it is fascinating! So fascinating, it makes me want to start a t-shirt line in honor of its critical importance to our life force and evolution of consciousness and sell it in hipster card shops in Oakland!

According to this article on vagus nerve stimulation, low vagal tone (an internal biological process referring to the activity of the vagus nerve, according to Wikipedia) has been linked to depression, inflammation, diabetes and other ailments. Humming (along with slow breathing and other things) was cited as a process that actually INCREASES vagal tone by stimulating the vagus nerve. After reading this, it hit me.   I realized that I was ALWAYS humming SOMETHING.  Walking in the grocery store, driving my car, cleaning the house and definitely while I was sitting on my surfboard, I always had a tune in my head that I quietly hummed to myself. Could it be that humming was responsible, in part, for my happiness?

Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline and even dopamine) are released in us when we are at lower level resonating consciousness (the states of fear, hopelessness, frustration). Another way to think about this is that our pre-frontal cortex (PFC) or higher level thinking brain gets knocked "offline" and norepinephrine and dopamine (the two main chemicals balancing healthy function of the PFC) are then thrown off balance.  By simply humming and constantly stimulating  your vagus nerve, you increase vagal tone, and actually equalize some of the inflammatory hormones in the body. In other words, we are equipped with an internal stress regulator!
 
This is the scientific reason behind why something like chanting OM is associated with bringing in peace and resonance. It’s because it’s actually stimulating the vagus nerve and increasing our vagal tone. It’s why music, dancing, drumming and vibrations have played such a crucial role for us through the evolution of humanity and spirituality. So, the next time you feel a pang of anxiety come on, try humming.  Try it when you are driving or walking. Just hum to yourself always. In fact, quit reading this and go and hum!   
 
4.  Protect yourself from toxic people
 
It took a lot of lessons – A LOT – to figure out how to spot toxic energy and people, and to make the conscious choice NOT to engage. Admittedly, I get swept away by some gnarly tides of energy; I am very sensitive to others and often find myself taking on their energy or emotional states via our mirror neuron process.

To assess and become aware of toxic energies, here’s a tool to use:  Metaphor.  For example, when I meet someone, I sometimes think of a metaphor of what it was like to be with that person in terms of ocean conditions. (Remember: metaphors are lint catchers for the brain; sometimes you can’t evaluate or see the relationship you are in, so tying it to a metaphor helps the brain see and latch on to your experience or process of it more quickly than just trying to use words to describe or make sense of it.)  I ask myself, If this person were ocean conditions, what kind of conditions would they be?  Ocean Beach on a crazy-ass day (strong current pulling me down the beach, rough shore break)?  Or is the experience more like a fun day at Bolinas – a gentle bohemian enclave of a beach just north of San Francisco – predictable, stable and light?  The metaphor process helps me figure out the stability of the energetic zone I’m relating to, or at least what the ride would potentially feel like down the road if I were in a relationship with a particular person.
 
Once you figure out what your metaphor is (it doesn’t have to be the ocean; maybe it could be movie genres – nightmare, fairy tale, dark comedy or cars – whatever tickles your fancy), figure out what your choices are. I love my surfing metaphor because it gives me 2 options: 

1.  Get off the wave if it is not the wave you want to be on, or if you just can’t handle it.   
2.  Change your equipment and try a more stable board and venture at it again (i.e. - equip yourself with a better set of tools and skills to deal with the toxic and unstable conditions by making yourself more stable). 
 
That’s it – change something in yourself to deal with it, or get off it. Keep it clean. Now when I come into contact with a person, I am aware of how I feel, how my body reacts, and what wave I’m on. Use this for friends, business partners, relationships, etc.
 
These are a few hacks I picked up in life regarding the question of personal happiness.  I hope some of them are helpful to you.  What insights or practices have you found that have helped you cultivate happiness within yourself? Share your thoughts below!