It occurred to me the other month that almost every executive leader I know has faced a meltdown at some point in their leadership. Whether it was the nonprofit executive who wept at the daunting task of rebuilding her organization’s entire staff (for like, the 10th time), the small business owner being harassed and taken to court due to a business partnership gone sour, or a financial faux pas leaving the leader of a firm to manage an embarrassing deficit—shit happens. At some point in our human journeys, the systems, pressure, responsibilities, financial anxiety and just sheer workload become too much for people to take, making it impossible for us to hold it all together.     
 
In fact, I’m pretty convinced that, until you’ve had a meltdown, (or two, or three) you haven’t yet experienced the true weight of executive leadership. It’s almost like it’s a necessary hazing for effective leadership. But is it? Why do meltdowns happen? To understand them, let’s look at a bit of neuroscience. 
 
The Neuroscience of a Meltdown
 
Think resilience. The brain is designed to be self-regulating and energy efficient, and seeks a state of balance. When we are too stressed and our brains are on overload, as I wrote about in “Stress and the Leadership Brain,” we get large releases of norepinephrine and dopamine, the two main chemicals that balance out the prefrontal cortex, the seat of our higher executive functions. And we get releases of cortisol, an inflammatory, stress-induced hormone. As a result, the prefrontal cortex gets knocked out of balance, if you will, resulting  in symptoms like lack of empathy, inability to regulate impulses, foggy thinking, poor decision-making and poor memory. In short, our brain’s natural ability to regulate gets thrown off because it is out of balance chemically. Hence, the breakdowns and inability to humanly manage it all. Literally, you are overloaded and your regulating mechanisms are compromised. So, what can you do to keep your head above water and prevent a meltdown?    
 
1. Share power. 
 
We usually think about leadership as one captain solely responsible for where a ship will sail.  The lone ranger paving the way. By not sharing power, you hold on to more than you can perhaps manage. Your own need to control starts to actually hamper you. Trust me—I’ve been one of those leaders who needed to have personal oversight of everything. Sharing power frees your brain up to take on other things, and builds a sense of buy-in and accountability to results. Of course, the art of this for any leader is figuring out how much to let go and share and how much to retain continued oversight. This is a balance that can only be achieved with your willingness to accept the inevitable mistakes people around you might make in your absence, and trusting that lessons will be learned from those mistakes. Sharing, coupled with a growth mindset of learning from trial and error, is a crucial element in helping leaders manage stress that can lead to meltdowns.    
 
2. Be more vulnerable. 
 
“I love being vulnerable, because it’ so comfortable and pleasing to the soul and gets you what you want,” said NO ONE EVER. As tough as vulnerability can feel in our culture, where it is often perceived as weakness, it’s a fallacy of leadership that you as the leader have to always solve for everything. Actually, the more you can admit you don’t know HOW to do something, the more it will free you from obligating yourself to fix it. And that means more brain space for other things (remember what we’re going for here—realistic goals and workloads that don’t send your brain into unhealthy overdrive). It will also give other team members the opportunity to chime in with their expertise. By simply saying “I don’t know” and showing a little vulnerability, you invite in new ideas, perspectives and perhaps a collective way of finding solutions to a problem vs. being the lone ranger needing to fix it. (Note lone ranger reference now twice in this post.)   
 
3. Put a stake in the ground. 
 
Remember that old game where a stake with ribbons attached is driven into the ground, and each child would get ahold of a piece of ribbon and frolic around the stake and weave between one another creating a sort of braid around the stake?  That’s what I mean here. Defining a stake means that you and your leaders are passionately committed to “dancing around” it and holding it in place. For example, the stake could be quality. It could be integrity. It could be creating community.  Whatever you define the stake to be, clarify what it is for your company, or any project, or collaboration. It will help you and your team keep focused so you don’t veer off and start leading into things that do not relate back to the stake, thereby overloading your plate with things other thank the stake, no pun intended. 
 
4. Have someone to talk to. 
 
Getting outside support and having someone to talk with on a regular basis can also help you manage overload. Becoming more present to emotions, naming them, feeing them, creates greater integration and resilience. We are constantly regulating one another’s nervous systems. Ever talk with a person suffering from extreme anxiety and find yourself leaving the conversation feeling anxious wanting to ventilate into a paper bag? Ever come across someone who is as calm as a lake and, next thing you know, you get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and feel the calmness within you? (This has to do with a concept called sense of self, but that topic is for another post.) So if you are on overload, find calming people to talk with—those whose energy can help to have a positive regulatory effect on your nervous system is key.
 
5. Invest in people and grow the leadership around you. 
 
Leaders fill gaps. And well, when the going gets tough and things start slipping through your leadership cracks, you will be thankful there are people around you who have the leadership skills to fill in those cracks. If you are just surrounded by followers of your word, you will be overwhelmed—all the time. Investing in growing leadership capabilities of those around you and giving up some of your power can better ensure gaps are filled when shit hits the fan. And I promise you this—shit WILL hit the fan. Investment means taking time to coach and mentor people in your organization. If you don’t have the time, hire external coaches, send your team members to a good quality leadership immersion program, or give them more responsibilities and coach them to succeed. Your biggest assets are your people.  Having strong people around you will help you manage the load better.
 
What did you learn from your leadership meltdown?   If you had to do it all over again, what advice would you give? 

I come from a background where it was not encouraged for women to set healthy boundaries. In the nonprofit cultures of my time, very much influenced by baby boomer culture, I saw people literally contorting themselves to make things happen.  They had minimal resources to try to accomplish things that did not seem humanly possible. Best of luck if you tried to set healthy boundaries in these cultures. Doing so often resulted in subtle backlash from those that saw themselves as "truly" fighting the fight. Unfortunately, this dynamic quickly led to burnout, resentment and unhealthy work cultures.
 
Learning to set my own boundaries has been one of the most enlightening things. It has also been one of the hardest. Brené Brown, the world’s top vulnerability researcher, said something very profound once about boundaries. She said simply that in all her research, she’s found that the most boundaried people were also the most compassionate. In her book Rising Strong, she makes the case for setting boundaries and posits that resentment comes from giving up our power unwillingly.  If the world’s most renowned researcher on vulnerability is telling us this, then why does it feel so hard to find it in the surf–life metaphor? Can you still be one who goes with the flow and also be a little “square” and set boundaries?
 
Life is like a wave. Ride it. Expect ups and downs. OK. Got that. 
 
If you don’t like the wave, change your equipment (i.e., your internal surfboard) or get off the wave. OK. Check. Already made that metaphor once.
 
And, oh yeah: Learn to recognize and set boundaries to have a more fulfilling life.  Umm, hold up! Exactly how does that translate into my sea of oceanic metaphors? A buoy? Filling up a plastic pool with ocean water? Isn’t this some Western, man-made, left-brained concept? How do you overlay the concept of boundary onto something that has flow at the core of its philosophy? The more I explored this boundary stuff, I realized even the coolest of cool cultures (e.g., surf culture) sets boundaries ALL THE TIME.   
 
Most surfers go online now to check surf and ocean conditions through sites that list current and predicted surf conditions.  These are based on a number of factors like wind, buoy readings etc. When it gets big, as in double to triple overhead in a Northern California report, you often find the reporter ending their summary with the following: “Be safe and know your limits,” a fair warning to surfers that conditions may warrant a particular degree of experience and skill. It occurred to me that when we look at that report, or scan conditions of the ocean ourselves, we are making a conscious decision of whether to go or not to go, taking steps to protect our safety. And that’s when it all made sense to me:
 
The concept of exercising boundaries is actually more about accessing your own internal wisdom, listening and getting clear with what you are or are OK or not OK with in a situation, or relationship. It’s less about anything tangible at all.
 
As surfers, we set boundaries all the time (well, at least I do). In a culture where it’s rewarded to keep pushing the boundaries on things, it’s no wonder why we as people have a hard time setting them in normal life. After all, boundaries don’t sound particularly sexy—they are the opposite of edgy. They’re very square. But they are so necessary to living and leading in a healthy way. Even extreme athletes, for all they surmount, have their own boundaries. And they differ from person to person. What’s OK for them may certainly not be OK for me. 
 
OK so how does this relate to you? If you feel resentment towards something or feel too accommodating, perhaps in a relationship, I invite you to look at how you are setting your boundaries. Below, I offer you a few ways to think about boundary-setting.    
 
1.  Realize when something is off.
 
Oftentimes, when we can tune into when something does or doesn’t feel right in a relationship, situation or interaction, that is a sign that we know a boundary needs to be set. Perhaps it is the colleague suffering from a compulsion to make snarky comments that make you feel bad. Or perhaps it’s that friend that always flakes out on a plan at the last minute, leaving you high and dry (and annoyed). Again. If it doesn’t feel right to you, chances are you need to look at it and set a boundary with that person, thing or relationship.
 
2.  Name it.
 
If something doesn’t feel right or feels off, name what feels off. Is it a value that is being stepped on? Is too much being asked of you? Are you feeling overly accommodating in a relationship? If you can name exactly what it is that feels off to you, then you will be more empowered to know exactly what boundary you need to set. An extreme example: I have a friend who abruptly ends calls with her friends the minute she feels her energy is being sapped. Though this is an example of a more extreme boundary, it’s a boundary nonetheless, and she’s clear with herself what’s not OK for her. (I like to use extreme examples because they are easier to remember). 
 
3.  Communicate…or not.
 
Sometimes, setting boundaries requires clear communication with someone, and sometimes you can set boundaries without having to communicate at all, simply by changing your behavior. My favorite segue I learned from one of my coaches for communicating a boundary is simply to say: “X,Y,Z doesn’t/didn’t work for me. Here’s what does.” Boom - A simple and powerful way to get your boundary across without sounding needy or complaining. 
 
4.  Set your boundary.
 
I had friends that would religiously cancel plans on a whim at the last minute. It would drive me nuts, as I would have blocked off time for them in my schedule only to have them cancel, and it would be too late for me to make other plans. Here’s what I say now: “Just want to confirm our plans for tomorrow. Let me know by X PM if we are a go.” That way, it gives them the out to cancel, and if they do, I have sufficient time to plan something else.    
 
Be kind to yourself. Many of us didn’t come from backgrounds where it was appropriate to state and defend our boundaries, and so it is very difficult and scary for us to do so. If you sense something is up with someone—a partner, employee, friend, boss—don’t be afraid to ask into it, and create a safe space for people to share what’s up. Perhaps you might have crossed an unstated boundary without realizing it. Opening up vulnerable and authentic communication can help you both realize the boundaries that are important to you.
 
Where have you had to set better boundaries? How did you do it? 

Sleep is One of the Five Pillars of Neuroplasticity
 
Sleep may be just one of the most underrated things in leadership. Last fall, I began an experimental neuroscience intensive, with 8 other coaches around the country led by Ann Betz, the Research Director of BeAbove Leadership, an organization that has spent the past 15 years researching and teaching the intersectionality of neuroscience, consciousness and coaching.  We come together a few times a month to discuss scientific research, popular articles, scientific lectures and talks on neuroscience to better understand and enhance our work as coaches. We spent a month on the topic of neuroplasticity, which, simply put, is the ability of the brain to rewire itself. Sleep is one of the pillars of neuroplasticity, without which it is very difficult to make and maintain neuroplastic changes in the brain. Just think about trying to exercise and build new muscles without eating any protein—it would be very difficult to do. As protein is essential for building and maintaining muscle, sleep is essential for building neuroplasticity. Here are some interesting things that fascinated me about sleep that I’d like to share with you! 
 
Sleep Flushes out Brain Toxins 
 
Between the 7th and 9th hour of sleep, our brain releases cerebrospinal fluid, a clear liquid surrounding the brain and spinal cord that cleans out toxins from the brain, and sorts through memories that are deemed important.[1] This is one of the reasons I recommend my clients get at least 7 hours of sleep every night, to get the cleaning in to create an optimal environment for brain rewiring via neuroplasticity. Think about it—what happens when you withhold yourself from going to the bathroom? Not great for your intestines at all. When you are not sleeping well, you may be doing that same thing to your brain.   
 
Sleep Helps the Brain Replenish Neurotransmitters
 
According to James B. Maas, PhD, and author of “Power Sleep,” the brain replenishes neurotransmitters during REM sleep.[2] Neurotransmitters are simply chemical messengers that enable neuron-to-neuron communication. He says these neurotransmitters are essential for remembering, learning, performance and problem solving. Remember, REM sleep happens in the 6th–8th hour of sleep, so yet another case for getting 7 hours of sleep a night. Think about it: do you want a filthy brain with rusty neurotransmitters that aren’t able to communicate well? Likely NOT going to help you in your leadership very much. 
 
Sleep Helps Store Memories
 
When we sleep, the brain stores information in long-term memory through sleep spindles. These are short bursts of brain waves of strong frequencies that occur during REM sleep. REM takes place toward the end of the night, between the 6th–8th hour of sleep, when people are more likely to dream. During REM sleep, Maas says “the brain transfers short-term memories in the motor cortex to the temporal lobe to become long-term memories”.2 He goes on to say that this process can be particularly helpful for storing information related to motor tasks so that these tasks become automatic. So if you are keen on improving your gold swing, get a good night’s sleep.   

Sleep Deprivation Exacerbates our Fight-or-Flight “Animal” Brain[3]
 
When we don’t get enough sleep, the body interprets this as stress. As a result, our sympathetic nervous system gets activated and induces a metabolic reaction of the body to stress.[4] When this system is activated, norepinephrine and cortisol are released in the body and there is increased amygdala activity. This contributes to sleep disruption, which leads to more sympathetic nervous system activation and more sleep loss.
 
Sleep Deprivation Contributes to Negative Moods
 
Published studies on sleep deprivation date back to 1896. Since then, there have been numerous studies on the effects of sleep deprivation on human performance, feelings and cognition. What the science has found is that all kinds of sleep deprivation—whether long-term or partial—result in negative moods. The most common feelings are of fatigue, loss of vigor, sleepiness and confusion.[5]
 
So, What are My Recommended Best Practices for Sleep? 
 
When we sleep, the brain solves problems. So, an effective strategy for sleeping better at night may be to prime yourself for relaxation. Don’t focus on thinking about a problem or something to solve before you go to sleep, as your brain will try to work on that during the night. Instead, try reading poetry, getting lost in a romance novel, listening to soothing music or even doing art. Do something where you are not trying to problem- solve. 
 
Focus on getting at least 7 hours of sleep each night. Given that cerebrospinal fluid is released in the brain during REM sleep, it is important to get enough sleep to activate your brain’s natural cleansing system. If you are one of those people who can function on very limited sleep, it may be possible that you enter into REM sleep sooner, and thus feel more rested. 
 
I remember after surfing one of the most powerful (and scariest) waves I had ever been on in Indonesia. It was difficult for me to sleep for that night, likely due to the chemicals coursing through my body and my sympathetic nervous system being turned on. My dopamine levels I’m sure were off the charts. If you are a thrill seeker by day, try listening to soothing music or an audio meditation to calm your system. A Yin, or slow-moving yoga practice at night can also calm your nervous system making it more ready for calm and rest. Meditation and focused breathing also help reduce amygdala activity.
 
In short, making sure you get a healthy amount of sleep each night should help with negative moods, reduce amygdala activation (less fight-or-flight), help you store long-term memories and organize networks in your brain that are essential for problem-solving, learning and performance. 
 
Where have you struggled with sleep? What strategies have you used to improve your quality of sleep?
 
Note:  Thank you to my Neuroscience Intensive coaching colleagues for their time and work compiling and sharing research on neuroplasticity, and in particular to Ursula Pottinga of BeAbove Leadership for her compilation of research on neuroscience and sleep used to help write this post. 

[1] NIH Research Matters, How Sleep Clears the Brain. October 28, 2013.  https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/how-sleep-clears-brain

[2] “Strengthen Your Brain by Resting It.” American Psychological Association, Mark Greer, July/August 2004, Vol 35, No. 7.

[3] “Can a Lack of Sleep Cause Psychiatric Disorders?” Scientific American, Nikhil Swaminathan, October 23, 2007. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/can-a-lack-of-sleep-cause/

[4] “Sleep Deprivation: Impact on Cognitive Performance.” Paula Alhola, and Päivi Polo-Kantola. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2656292/
 
[5] Neurocognitive Consequences of Sleep Deprivation, Jeffrey S. Durmer, M.D., Ph.D., and David F. Dinges, Ph.D. 

The Neuroscience of Stress

Everyone needs a “just right” amount of arousal chemicals for optimal functioning of the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the area of the brain responsible for our executive functioning, including thoughtful decision-making and planning for the future, among other things.

Picture a bell curve. To the right of the curve is increased stress / stimulation, and to the left of the curve is decreased stress / stimulation. Our cortex is regulated by two main chemicals (dopamine and norepinephrine) and becomes stimulated (or not) based on the task at hand.  When we are alert and interested, we get the right amount of chemical release. But when we are stressed and out of control, we get BIG releases of these chemicals.  All the connections in this part of the brain become dysfunctional, engaging other kinds of receptors that actually impair prefrontal cortex function. The impact of being over-stimulated or under-stimulated results in the SAME cognitive impairment of the brain: foggy thinking, poor memory, lack of empathy, inability to regulate impulses.  As well, chronic stress results in actual architectural changes in the cortex.  You actually start losing dendrites, a branched part of a neuron involved in cell to cell electrochemical stimulation. Stress is VERY real, and actually has the ability to alter the structural make up of your brain. Cray, eh?
 
So what does this have to do with YOU? Behavior from the top trickles down to your team, so if you are a stressed leader and not taking care of yourself, how can you possibly model good behavior to your colleagues and employees? Moreover, as a leader, you need to be able to access your brain when it is at its best (in balance).  When you are overstressed or under-stimulated, you don’t get optimal executive functioning. Below, I share some strategies for managing stress and getting your PFC closer to balance or “online” as we coaches like to say. 
 
Name Your Emotions

According to BeAbove Leadership, an organization specializing in the intersectionality of neuroscience, consciousness and leadership, “research shows that simply naming an emotion reduces amygdala activity.” This is one of the reasons I listen to my clients and try to help them name the emotions that they are feeling. Often, a client will show up at a session experiencing a whole host of different feelings. After listening very carefully to them, I often reflect what it is I hear them saying, and then attempt to name an emotion. I will say, “it sounds like ‘guilt’ or it sounds like ‘grief,’” and in doing that, it helps them make sense of their own emotions. If I’m not right on with the emotion, it’s the opportunity for them to say, for example, “no, actually it’s not guilt; it’s more ambivalence.”

Journaling how you are feeling each day can also markedly help with stress management; simply waking up in the morning and taking 10 minutes to write down how you are feeling that day can help you process stressful feelings when you don’t have an empathetic listener. 
 
Reframe Your Perspective

Shifting and reframing your perspective is one way to effectively reduce stress. I once left a coaching session feeling a bit stunned. My “inner child” wanted to flee. A client who was feeling a lot of anger in his life had taken it out on me by yelling at me and insulting the coaching profession. I left feeling as if I had failed, and the experience had me questioning my coaching abilities. The “stun” was my fight or flight. In that moment, my prefrontal cortex got (PFC) stressed, and I had very little access to it, as it was flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine.

After some introspection and self-coaching, I was able to reframe this session as a gift instead of an utter disaster. Though it felt stressful for me, my client had triggered something that reminded me of how some people would lash out at me for things when I was growing up, thereby stimulating a very emotional response and memory to the stressor. And this made me feel worthless. So in bringing up this feeling again was an opportunity to heal it, to use my PFC to think more about it and to calm my stress response and self-manage through difficult to be with emotions. Moreover, I realized that my client felt safe enough to express his anger with me.  Following that we had a breakthrough session and he showed up ready and willing to be coached.  Taking the time to think and reframe a stressful event can help build a new neural pathway to thinking about a situation, and bring the PFC back online to help you make sense of your own emotions. 
 
Practice Focus and Attention

The data from studies relating to focus and attention just gets more and more fascinating, particularly around meditation. It’s not just “new-agey stuff.” Studies show that meditation changes the composition of the brain.

Long-term meditators have increased amounts of grey matter in parts of the brain associated with sensory functions, and they also have more grey matter in the PFC. Some studies indicate that meditation also reduces the size of the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight or flight “freeze” response of the brain and strengthens the brain region responsible for processing information related to people perceived as being different front you (our seat of empathy).

What’s this got to do with stress? Well, the data suggests that meditation builds more “good” types of connections in the brain, to help it become more resilient to stress. So with more focus and attention, you can build your resilience and have stronger connections between the logical and empathetic areas of your higher executive functioning brain and your limbic system, making you more resilient to stress. 
 
Make a Powerful Choice

When you are out of balance on the curve, sometimes it requires you to make some lifestyle choices, and sometimes it requires you to make powerful choices. The difference between just making a choice and a POWERFUL choice is that there is often more at stake with the powerful choice. A powerful choice might feel more difficult to make because the consequences of the choice are so life-changing that it is too scary to think about removing the source of the stress.  Powerful choices often require courage, as in the event of choosing to quit a job, get out of a toxic relationship, or simply to just stop doing something. 
 
Lastly, our PFC and the relevant chemical release  is proportional to the task at hand.  While some might feel a little stimulation from something and it feels like a good amount of stimulation, for others it can provoke a much stronger chemical response and overload the PFC with chemicals. What tips and strategies have you picked up along the way to manage your stress? When you are feeling like you want to “fight or flee,” how have you gotten your PFC back online to where things feel just right?

Let’s start with morning rituals. In the past year-and-a-half, I developed a morning ritual consisting of meditation, journaling and consciously assessing on a scale of 1-10 how happy I wake up on that day (10 being completely blissed out to the max, and 0 at a basic level of hopelessness). This may seem excessive and even weird, I know. (Those of you who really know me know that I am a little weird anyway!)  But in the discipline of coaching, self care actually becomes a critical ally for being available and offering yourself at your highest level in service to your clients. That is the reason I focus on how I feel each morning so much. 
 
Anyway, the process has trained me to be more aware of how I’m feeling in the moment. It has helped me to reflect on the circumstances, relationships or events that made me choose that number on a daily basis. This self-reflection, along with spending the past 4 years constantly reading up on the latest neuroscience research on happiness, inspired me to share my insights about happiness. Why is it that so many people who seemingly have everything – a thriving business, millions of dollars in the bank, a seemingly stable relationship – still rank low on their happiness index? What REALLY makes us happy? How can we bring more happiness into our lives? 
 
1.  Understand that your brain is plastic
 
Neuroplasticity is, simply put, the brain’s ability to change over time. And studies show we do actually have a happiness set point. In other words, no matter how much tragedy or what happens to us, we go back to a set point of happiness. (It’s the reason why, for example, there is no real change in one’s happiness set point before they win the lottery vs. after they win.)

Psychology says there are a few things you can do to increase your happiness baseline – namely, focusing on gratitude and service. Similarly, research shows that meditation grows areas in our brain associated with positivity (left hemisphere) and compassion (right hemisphere), which can also increase our happiness set point. In my experience, it IS possible to re-wire your happiness set point, if even just to give it a slight increase. So, start with the belief in your own neuroplasticity. Actually, it’s not just a belief - it’s neuroscience! 
 
2.  Feel the lows in order to feel the highs
 
Some days I have woken up and felt like a 7 in terms of happiness and have thought, Hey, I’m doing pretty good today.  And then upon further reflection, that same morning I could also be in touch with a deep sadness about something. How can we be profoundly happy and at the same time profoundly sad about something? As self-awareness increases, our ability to identify and feel two perhaps very distinct feelings at once also becomes heightened.  We become more aware of our integration. The sadness doesn’t trump my happiness per se, but they both exist in me at the same time.
 
Brené Brown, the touted TEDX speaker, was spot-on in her famous Ted Talk on vulnerability when she pointed out that when we suppress our negative emotions (depression, frustration, sadness, etc.), we end up suppressing the positive ones as well – joy, fulfillment, happiness. So to feel those high places, you absolutely need to take trips to the dark, deep, dank, hopeless emotions of your subconscious basement. I know – I hate going there as well … like HATE! But what I’ve discovered from being able to “be” with those hard emotions and to really feel the lows, is that it helped open up the space to experience the more positive emotions. Whether through coaching, group get-togethers, having an amazing friend with a keen ability to listen or even writing about these feelings, the more we can embrace this idea of feeling places that are not comfortable for us emotionally, the more we make space and open ourselves up to feeling the positive emotions of life. 
 
For example, I started journaling a few years back as part of my daily routine.  It helped pass so many feelings through me that today I don’t know what I would do without this journaling practice. I felt a visible improvement in my mood and happiness on a DAILY basis, simply from having daily self-reflection. Think of it like going to the bathroom; in the same way that you have to release stuff from your gut to clean out your system and make it available for more food and energy to process, reflection allows you to do the same cleaning with your brain.  Heh heh. :) 
 
3.  Hum (I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this one!)
 
For this, you need to know about the vagus nerve, our 10th cranial nerve. The vagus nerve is fascinating and stimulating (literally), as it is the only nerve that connects to every major organ in the human body. If you haven’t Googled “vagus nerve,” you absolutely should because it is fascinating! So fascinating, it makes me want to start a t-shirt line in honor of its critical importance to our life force and evolution of consciousness and sell it in hipster card shops in Oakland!

According to this article on vagus nerve stimulation, low vagal tone (an internal biological process referring to the activity of the vagus nerve, according to Wikipedia) has been linked to depression, inflammation, diabetes and other ailments. Humming (along with slow breathing and other things) was cited as a process that actually INCREASES vagal tone by stimulating the vagus nerve. After reading this, it hit me.   I realized that I was ALWAYS humming SOMETHING.  Walking in the grocery store, driving my car, cleaning the house and definitely while I was sitting on my surfboard, I always had a tune in my head that I quietly hummed to myself. Could it be that humming was responsible, in part, for my happiness?

Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline and even dopamine) are released in us when we are at lower level resonating consciousness (the states of fear, hopelessness, frustration). Another way to think about this is that our pre-frontal cortex (PFC) or higher level thinking brain gets knocked "offline" and norepinephrine and dopamine (the two main chemicals balancing healthy function of the PFC) are then thrown off balance.  By simply humming and constantly stimulating  your vagus nerve, you increase vagal tone, and actually equalize some of the inflammatory hormones in the body. In other words, we are equipped with an internal stress regulator!
 
This is the scientific reason behind why something like chanting OM is associated with bringing in peace and resonance. It’s because it’s actually stimulating the vagus nerve and increasing our vagal tone. It’s why music, dancing, drumming and vibrations have played such a crucial role for us through the evolution of humanity and spirituality. So, the next time you feel a pang of anxiety come on, try humming.  Try it when you are driving or walking. Just hum to yourself always. In fact, quit reading this and go and hum!   
 
4.  Protect yourself from toxic people
 
It took a lot of lessons – A LOT – to figure out how to spot toxic energy and people, and to make the conscious choice NOT to engage. Admittedly, I get swept away by some gnarly tides of energy; I am very sensitive to others and often find myself taking on their energy or emotional states via our mirror neuron process.

To assess and become aware of toxic energies, here’s a tool to use:  Metaphor.  For example, when I meet someone, I sometimes think of a metaphor of what it was like to be with that person in terms of ocean conditions. (Remember: metaphors are lint catchers for the brain; sometimes you can’t evaluate or see the relationship you are in, so tying it to a metaphor helps the brain see and latch on to your experience or process of it more quickly than just trying to use words to describe or make sense of it.)  I ask myself, If this person were ocean conditions, what kind of conditions would they be?  Ocean Beach on a crazy-ass day (strong current pulling me down the beach, rough shore break)?  Or is the experience more like a fun day at Bolinas – a gentle bohemian enclave of a beach just north of San Francisco – predictable, stable and light?  The metaphor process helps me figure out the stability of the energetic zone I’m relating to, or at least what the ride would potentially feel like down the road if I were in a relationship with a particular person.
 
Once you figure out what your metaphor is (it doesn’t have to be the ocean; maybe it could be movie genres – nightmare, fairy tale, dark comedy or cars – whatever tickles your fancy), figure out what your choices are. I love my surfing metaphor because it gives me 2 options: 

1.  Get off the wave if it is not the wave you want to be on, or if you just can’t handle it.   
2.  Change your equipment and try a more stable board and venture at it again (i.e. - equip yourself with a better set of tools and skills to deal with the toxic and unstable conditions by making yourself more stable). 
 
That’s it – change something in yourself to deal with it, or get off it. Keep it clean. Now when I come into contact with a person, I am aware of how I feel, how my body reacts, and what wave I’m on. Use this for friends, business partners, relationships, etc.
 
These are a few hacks I picked up in life regarding the question of personal happiness.  I hope some of them are helpful to you.  What insights or practices have you found that have helped you cultivate happiness within yourself? Share your thoughts below!

I had a friend over for dinner the other week.  I just finished giving her updates on my life, how my recent trip back East went, what was hard, what was new.  After I finished, I was met with a “that’s good” type of response.  Not much more.  It was like talking into a well, with no feedback, affirmation, insights, commiserating … nothing.  Then, she launched into her updates, and I spent the remainder of the evening listening, supporting, ad-hoc coaching, and offering feedback to her on her relationships and challenges. 
 
Reflecting on the evening, I felt a little sad and, truth be told, a little used.  Why is it so hard for someone to listen thoughtfully and to let me know I’ve been heard?  I listened to her; why can’t she show me that she’s actively listening to me?  All of this got me thinking about what makes someone a good listener.
 
Let’s start with recognizing what it is to not listen well. 
 
You are quick to interrupt.

You are quick to hear someone and you generally interrupt them to offer a thought or response before they can finish what it is they are saying.  This shows you are not holding space to sufficiently take in what you hear.  Rather, you are already trying to craft an answer, rebuttal, opinion, or respond before fully listening.  Note:  if you are a coach, you may be taught to intrude for the purpose of keeping your client on track, but for the rest of you, you probably aren’t listening well if you continually interrupt.
 
You overshare.

You take up 80% of the space in your conversations.  You are concerned with expressing yourself and making sure you get heard but leave little room for others. 
 
You tend to multitask while someone is talking.

Unless you are knitting, walking, or doing something that takes unconscious competence to do, chances are you are not fully listening to the other person when you are doing something else at the same time.  It is impossible to be a good listener if you are typing an e-mail or reading the news on your phone.  The brain does not multitask; it can only do one thing at a time.  Although you may think you are successfully doing many things at once, in actuality your brain is switching back and forth from task to task and your attention is being divided.  
 
You self-reference.

You automatically apply what someone is saying to your own situation.  In other words, you don’t take the time to show you are understanding what they are saying and feeling.  Instead, you bring the conversation back to you and how you would feel if you were in their position.  This is different from empathizing with someone, as you are not genuinely trying to understand the other person’s feelings as much as you are projecting your thoughts and feelings onto their situation.
 
See any of these behaviors in yourself?  If so, you may have a great opportunity to grow your leadership skills by becoming a better listener.
 
In coaching, one of the first things we do is learn the 3 levels of listening.  Level 1 listening is all about self-referencing per the example above.  For example, if your friend says something, you immediately think of yourself and say, “Oh yeah, I remember when that happened to me."  In other words, it’s all about referencing what someone is saying in relation to you and your experience.  It’s not a bad level, per se.   It is the level we probably most often encounter in our relationships.  But it is not the most powerful level of listening. 
 
Level 2 is when you can actually start to listen to someone and stop referring back to yourself.  You really hear what it is they are trying to say.  You are focused on them and not on yourself.
 
And level 3 is about listening to all the things that are NOT being said, but that are present in a conversation - the energy of the person, their intonation, what you are hearing between the words, what your intuition tells you. This is where you as a leader really have the power to achieve deeper understanding and, ultimately, effect better outcomes through listening. 
 
Here are some tips for achieving level 3 listening:
 
1.  So what I’m hearing you say is … 

This is a great phrase that sets you up for an attempt to understand and reiterate what it is you heard the other person say.  If you are listening well, you should be able to sum up what it is you think the person is trying to say.  You can also use other versions of this phrase, such as:  It seems like … I hear you.  It sounds like … Using any of these phrases will not only help you synthesize what you just heard, but will indicate to the other person that you are truly trying to understand what they are saying..

2.  That’s curious.  How did that make you feel? …

Being curious about what the other person says will help you listen better.  Asking them how something made them feel can help them reflect more on what it is they are saying and also give you another angle to understand what it is they are trying to say. 

3.  Simply ask those around you whether they think you are an effective listener. 

If it’s a “no,” or you get a wishy-washy response because they are afraid to tell you the truth, ask, “How could I improve?”  You’ll be surprised at what they say.  Maybe they will tell you not to interrupt so much when you didn’t realize you were doing that.  Maybe they need a nod or more eye contact from you.  Maybe they just need an acknowledgement of some sort.  If you don’t ask, you won’t know!
 
Challenge yourself in your next conversation: go in with the intention of listening and making the other person feel heard.  Challenge yourself to not respond, offer advice, or self-relate until the person is finished speaking.  See how long you can go just listening!
 
As you practice better listening, you’ll likely gain new insights about yourself and about the person you are listening to.  Getting curious while listening can prompt you to ask the right questions for solving problems and demonstrates that you are truly present in the interaction.  Most of all, growing your listening is growing your leadership.
 
Try these listening tips and leave a comment below about the differences you notice in your conversations!

When is it really time to move on?  People come to me wishing to make a transition, but sometimes what holds them back is they have not yet logically convinced themselves it is time to move on.  They can feel it in their bodies.  They know something is not right.  But somehow they use their mind to convince themselves otherwise.  So what are some ways to tell if it’s time to move? 

1.  When your misery of staying outweighs the benefits
 
Some people come to me for coaching and they incessantly complain about their company - the lack of integrity, their boss, their situation, their disdain for the meaninglessness in what they do.  BUT, they stay and often, they are miserable.  They stay because they have a kid in college, or another one headed there.  They don’t want to leave for fear of not finding another job soon enough.  So I ask them:  does the benefit of staying outweigh the misery they are feeling?  If the answer is no, it is time to move on. 
 
You do not do yourself any favors by staying, nor do you do your company any favors by staying either.  The move may take a thorough assessment and some coaching, challenging you to look at your limiting beliefs, doing financial projections for your transition (cash flow, monthly expenses) and the like.  But once you have come to terms with the feelings and start to see a logical path of how you can move forward, it is much easier to move on.  Think about whether your misery in staying outweighs your benefits.  If it does, what is your next step? 

2.   When you are flat lining
 
If you are no longer being challenged in what you do at work or on a project, you are flat lining.  We all need to feel like we are growing or are being developed and exposed to new thoughts, ideas and ways of doing something.  Flat lining is the feeling that you’ve hit your own glass ceiling, that you really don’t feel like there is a place for you to move up and to develop further. 
 
I remember speaking to one woman who was completely flat lining.  She just didn’t have enough work or challenge in her day, so much so that she’d take off in the middle of the day and go to yoga and have a nice leisurely lunch.  She was making a good salary and things weren’t horrible.  So her choice was either to figure out a way to feel more challenged or to figure out what could be next.  She actually felt GUILTY for taking a paycheck from her work because it didn’t really feel like she was earning it, though she was gainfully employed.  In her case, she chose to stay and was eventually put on more challenging projects.  However, if there were no change, she would have left. 
 
If you are flat lining and the place where you are isn’t terrible, think about what you would need to do to feel more challenged in your work first.  Oftentimes, a frank conversation with your boss can equip her with the information she needs to help you on your growth path to build new skills and gain new experiences. 

3.  When you know you are just not happy
 
I had the experience of having a very deeply unhappy employee at the organization I ran.  What did it do?  First, it caused a ripple effect.  It drove one of the other key directors out of her position.  (The #2 reason this director gave for leaving was due to the unhappiness of her co-director, which rubbed off on her in a negative way.)  Just as happiness is contagious, so is unhappiness.  If you are not happy, you risk making others around you unhappy. (Remember the mirror neuron effect?)   You do both yourself and your company a favor when you choose to leave and go to a place where you will inevitably be happier.  You win because you’ll be closer to what will feel fulfilling, and the organization will win because it will be free of your unhappy energy, which can seriously weigh down innovation and engagement needed to really drive results. 
 
It’s true that some people will be perpetually unhappy.  Sometimes it’s less of a function of your environment and more a function of the own internal work you need to do so you can be happy.  So when assessing this, ask yourself – am I unhappy because of something in my life, or some unresolved childhood issue I’m having that this situation keeps bringing up (feeling-wise)?  Or am I happy when I am out of this space but become unhappy only when I step into this space?  Pay attention mostly to what your body feels and you will get the best data to help guide you forward. 

4.  When your body starts to manifest chronic symptoms
 
They body never lies.  Period.  If you tune into what you are feeling in your body at any given time, you can tap into immense data of what a person, situation or organization gives you.  We have a physiological response to stress all the time – from hair loss, heart palpitations, chronic colds, and yes, even cancer.  When you are getting chronically ill and stressed out, take that as a sign that it is time to shift and change things up.  There are numerous studies now connecting our physiology to stress and our mental well-being.
 
One of the biggest developments in coaching has been using embodiment to work with people.  When we are communicating, 96% of what we are saying is communicated through our body.  Some neuroscientist believe that the heart knows first and knows best, sends information to the brain, where it gets interpreted, put into words, and where it often gets denied.  The brain often interprets the information incorrectly and shuts it down.  Research says the brain just justifies what the gut and heart want to do.  So, tuning into how your body is feeling may reveal more about a situation and it’s impact on you than cerebrally processing it.   
 
I remember my last few years of being an executive and I was sick almost monthly.  It was embarrassing sometimes to be at a graduation ceremony for our students and be blowing my nose incessantly due to a sinus infection.  However, the financial anxiety of money, cash flow and managing so many different strands of the organization weighed on me over time.  What I didn’t realize was that my body was speaking to me.  It was begging me to take a break.  I took a 4-month sabbatical during which time I never got sick and upon my return did not get sick for an entire year.  I did come down with a cold the last day we closed down the organization.  Go figure.  It’s important to start to understand and map how your body responds to stress, and to figure out what it is saying about where you really thrive.  Then you have an indicator for making healthy decisions for you.  We all react to stress differently and some people are more sensitive than others.  But make no mistake tuning into your body will give you a wellness of information on what to do in a situation.

5.  When you realize your values are at odds with where you are
 
This is a big one for folks.  Oftentimes when we feel dissonance in our relationship to something or someone, it is because there is a values clash.  What one party values is not what the other values.  It’s not to say one is right or wrong, but differing value systems can often be cause for a break.  The problem is when you do not realize there is a difference in value systems and you just resort to blaming and pointing fingers.  It’s important to say that this is what I value – integrity, honesty, small-scale operations, putting the client first – or whatever the value is.  Then see where the dissonance is and where you feel you are out of integrity with a value.  Perhaps there is a conversation that could be had in terms of how you could assist with bringing this value more into your work place or perhaps it’s just not possible as your value systems are just too at odds with your organization.  If this is the case, it is a good time to consider a move.  Again, if you are in dissonance and are unhappy with the structure, you either can make efforts to change it from within or leave if you feel like you cannot make a difference. 
 
So those are a few ways to tell when it’s time to leave.  How and when to leave is a totally different question, and one that needs to be dealt with on a case by case basis depending on the situation of your team or company.  Those aspects are just as important, if not more, than identifying when you should leave.  This will have to be a topic of another blog post to come. 
 
What were some of the signs that told you it was time to leave?